Suzanne SxySadist’s Personal Blog

In general I could easily go for months at a time with out even turning on the television but recently I have become exquisitely enamoured with a Showtime series about a like-able serial killer named Dexter played by Michael C Hall. For those of you that have never seen the show and are possibly wondering how a guy that cuts people up into little pieces and claims to be devoid of human emotion could possibly be like-able all I can say is .. it’s complicated but you’d probably have to watch the show to understand what makes him so charming besides his quick wit and boyish good looks. 

By the same token, I am also sure that a lot of people would wonder how someone that hurts people for fun and profit and gets off on consensually pushing folks to the edge of their endurance could still be a compassionate, loving and like-able human being but many people feel that I am just that. Like-able and loving that is.  And yet I realize that not everyone is capable of doing what I do.  How many people do you know that could actually look a man in the eye and then slide a thick gauge needle into his testicle while he screams in pain?

Hurting our fellow human being to that degree goes against what we are taught on so many levels about how to treat other people and what is right and what is definitely wrong. It took me quite sometime to actually embrace my inner sadist.  For many years even as a pro domme I tried to convince myself and others that I was only doing what they wanted me to do so that did not make me a bad person and certainly not REALLY a “sadist” since the word seemed so evil and scary to me.  

Of course, the truth is the vast majority of my clients cannot be marked at all or simply want a relatively light spanking or flogging scene, maybe a bit of cross dressing and / or gentle ass play with some tease and denial play.. definitely nothing too intense. 

But over the years I did get a few heavier players and I definitely did discover and finally make peace with the fact that I LIKE to hurt people.  In fact, I LOVE to make grown men cry and beg and sometimes even scream for mercy but generally I only go that far with people I know REALLY well, people that crave that level of intense stimulation, people that I know want me to take them to that extreme edge.  However, I ALWAYS watch the client carefully, monitoring their reactions and responses and checking the body for signs of potential damage and making sure I stop whatever I am doing like a good responsible professional sadist should.

And yet… lately I have been feeling an interesting new craving and wondering … if I didn’t have a conscience or if I wasn’t a good enough business woman to care if my clients came back or not .. how far could I really go?  I am not talking about killing anyone mind you… my cravings are not leaning that far over the edge yet and besides, I have no where to dispose of the bodies. 

But I am definitely feeling the desire to push someone further than I ever have before and for the first time in my life I am not entirely sure I need it to be with someone that enjoys it.  After all .. is it really sadism if the person likes what you are doing to them?  I had a dream recently that I was torturing someone who truly deserved it just to inflict as much pain as possible on them and NOT kill them so that they could suffer longer for me and I woke up feeling very startled by the sheer cruelty of it and yet a little turned on.

Now before anyone gets all bent out of shape .. I am in no danger of kidnapping some random stranger and hauling them off to my dungeon to torment and beat against their will but I think my sadism is going through a growth spurt or evolving some how and I am really curious where it is leading me right now.  

Well, just wanted to share that .. I promise to keep you posted and in the meantime .. I am going to curl up with Dexter and his “Dark Passenger” for awhile and watch him work but I REALLY want to do a saran wrap mummification all of a sudden.  <grin>  :)

So like millions of other Americans, I am doing my best to watch my weight and have been off dieting for as long as I can remember. Truth be told, I have always carried a little more padding than I wish but when I quit smoking over a year and a half ago my weight spiked to an all time high and I was really unhappy about it. I am pretty good with short term self discipline, but one thing I know about myself is that I really need to see and or feel results to give me the incentive & strength to stick something out (especially if it involves self denial of some sort).

I have tried Atkins and but missed certain foods way too much to stay with that and my cholesterol rose on that one. I was not really good at showing up for meetings or those humiliating weigh ins at “Weight Watchers” and trying to remember convert all my meals to “points” was really annoying, so I didn’t stick that out for long at all. I finally decided to really focus on working out far more regularly while giving Nutri System a go (thanks to the help of a good friend) and I am pretty proud and pleased to say that in spite of not sticking to it religiously because I still like to eat out and indulge certain cravings now & then, I am down about 17 lbs since June! That puts me at just about half way between where I started and my “ideal” weight!

When I started out just walking at a moderate pace on the treadmill would leave me pretty gaspy and breathless but I am now doing at least a mile 3 times a week and even running short distances. Woohoo! At the same time, I have been building some muscle by hitting my buddy Mike’s home gym. He’s got a lot of great stuff there; a Weider home gym, a Total Gym, treadmill, Ab Lounge, Lateral thigh trainer and at least one other piece of equipment as well as the pool that I will be sorry to see closed up for the winter.
 
I have also picked up the entire set of “Eat This Not That” by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding and have found them to be really helpful! The fabulous thing about these books is that you can still eat foods that you love! You don’t have to give up anything or feel like you are denying yourself. All you need to do is make simple swaps and smarter choices and you can lose weight! (For a sample of “Eat This Not That” wisdon, check out this article on “The Best and Wosrt Pizzas in America.”

I keep my copy of the “Supermarket Guide” and the yellow “Restaurant Guide” in my car so they are handy on the road and when I go shopping. Bottom line… if you or someone you love is trying to lose a few pounds and not feel miserable about it .. check out these books and use them! I think you’ll be glad you did!  

It has been a number of years since I have done a photo shoot with anyone but this week Monday a fabulous photographer named Henry Porter came by and we shot several 100 pics which he distilled down to the 140 or so that he sent me in a zip file this morning. I am totally thrilled with a LOT of them and that just made my day!

To be honest I wasn’t sure I was going to like what I saw. I am not getting any younger as is evidenced by more and more wrinkles and “smile lines” and although I have been working really hard to lose the weight I gained after quiting smoking 19 months ago, I am still not happy with my current weight. (But then how many women ever REALLY are?)

But I am really excited about these shots and have started posting them to my website and a couple of my public profiles. Here is one of my favorites as well as a link to a gallery of two dozen more. Photo Gallery Link 

I am not sure I want to take down the shots of me already on the site but not because I want to mislead anyone into thinking I am younger / thinner or anything like that .. the reasons are actually more sentimental.  The vast majority of the photos currently on my website were take by my former partner Nelson who went by the name “Neil Shadow” as a photographer and they hold a very special place in my heart especially since he passed away this month last year. (Wow, I can’t believe he has been gone a year now!) :( 

Anyway… I guess for right now I will find a way to work in enough of the newest ones so I can’t be accused of “false advertising” (lol) while preserving enough of the ones that make my sentimental heart happy. I hope that is OK with folks and that you enjoy the new photos! Love & whips to all!

So I was probably the last person on the planet to get a Twitter account because I wasn’t really convinced that I wanted or needed one, but I guess it could be a great tool to keep interested people up to speed on what I am up to between blog posts. So to that end, I added a widget for it here in the side bar…. I hope some of you find those updates interesting. 

So what have I been up to? Well, it’s been a pretty cool couple of weeks around here for the most part. My niece treated me to a very loud, very noisy concert at The Chance not long ago.  They had quite a few bands including: “Semblence of a Soul”, “Tunnels to Holland”, “Hurt” and ”The Sick Puppies”!  Now I fell in love with The “Puppies” song “All the Same” when it was featured in the “Free Hugs” campaign but I was surprised at how dissimilar the rest of their music was to it and had to admit that I am starting to feel old. 

This really hit home for me when my niece slid down into the mosh pit while I scouted for a comfortable pice of post to lean against.  Honestly, standing in one place for 3 to 4 hours is not my cup of tea anymore, but since The Chance is totally general admission - standing room only you don’t get a lot of choice. I still had a good time and I got to get introduced to a couple of bands I had never heard before which inspired me to check out some other music by “Hurt” in particular and discovered that I actually liked some of it. Maybe I am not that damn old after all huh?

In other news, the last rope gathering was a lot of fun as usual! Once again my friends Paul DaSade & wife cc from CT and Dez & a sweet new gal pal from NH came as well as the fabulous Murphy Blue  with his pair of “kitties” and another fun couple from the local area all came to enjoy some sweet ropey time and share some summer fun and a meal. 

I successfully tried two new suspension ties… well one was a transition from sideways to face down which was a bit less graceful than I had hope but still worked.  The other was a full on inverted ankle suspension which is a particular favorite of mt sweeties but the one that makes me the most nervous of any tie I could do for a couple of reasons.  First, inverted suspension obviously is incredibly dangerous.  If anything at all goes wrong, be it mechanical failure or rigger error, the suspendee is likely to get dropped on their head leading to very serious injury or death. The other issue is if my “victim” happens to pass out (and you would be amazed at how fast a person can get woozy being hung upside down), it would be extremely difficult for me to get them down safely from a full inversion by myself. It is not as simple as cut the rope. So I jokingly asked my buddies Paul & Dez if they’d be willing to help me dispose of the body if it the need arose and they totally agreed.  That’s how you REALLY know who your friends are right?

Anyway, I really love the rope gatherings here but my schedule is looking pretty slammed up for Sept & Oct which means I may not be able to hold another until possibly Nov!  I will post more on the upcoming schedule soon but I ).  

Speaking of hectic schedules, this was a really great week in the dungeon and I had a hell of a lot of fun playing with a couple of new people and a couple of new guys. God I love my job! Hell, if you can get paid to do what you love to do you will never work a day in your life right?

Not to mention that some of my guys bring me the loveliest and most thoughtful gifts! This week my buddy Scott brought me two fabulous pairs of boots.  The lovely leather ones in the photo on the right and a very similar pair in sexy black suede! Mm! I was so thrilled with them that I popped them on and wore them out to lunch with him that afternoon!

Hm as for upcoming news… I have not one but two photo shoots scheduled this coming week so I should have some nice new pics to update the website with soon! I am really looking forward to that because it feels like ages since I have had a chance to freshen the site but I am rather particular about the photos that I’ll use.  Nelson pretty much spoiled me rotten with his fabulous pics and since he passed away last year (wow it’s hard to believe he has been gone a year now), I hadn’t found the right combination of a photographer I liked could afford and feeling like I was ready to be in front of a camera. I had gained a bit of weight when I quit smoking, 19 months ago this week, but I have been working on trimming off some of that and am just about half way to my goal weight but feel good enough that I have decided to get a few pics done.  Maybe it will even help inspire me to keep at it with the diet and exercise routines.

Hm what else? Well, I am enjoying a quiet Sunday alone since Brett is off to a baseball game at Fenway Park with daughter who is a HUGE Red Sox fan.  They will probably stop over for a short nap on their way home late tonight but that leaves me a relaxing day all to myself today! Maybe I should drag out a box of corsets and play fashion show and see what I most want to wear for tomorrow’s photos.  Part of me would love to have some new super fetish shots but part of me also just wants some sexy “softer side of Suze” shots that I can use for my coaching site and some other somewhat vanilla places.  Maybe we can do a little of each, we’ll see how the time goes.  Ok, time for me to grab a snack and move around for a bit. I don’t want to sit at a damn key board all day today! I’d like to get out and enjoy the summer a bit as it draws to a close.  Have a great day all!

I got a text message a couple of hours ago from my friend Dov, informing me that Jack McGeorge had died today. He didn’t have any details yet but when I checked Lolita’s site a few moments ago I found a beautiful obituary posted there. He was an amazing man and although I did not know Jack well, but I had several interactions with him over the years that have led to quite a few fond memories of him.

He came up to the Hudson Valley years ago to teach a mini DM class for the local kink group and I was deeply impressed by both his good natured yet no nonsense approach to the topic. I have also attended many of his other presentations and I can say for a fact … no one could tell a story quite like Jack could.

I also have a very fond memories of him during my attendance of Master Taino’s Slave Training Academy. He taught a couple of fascinating classes during that weekend but my fondest and most vivid memory was actually also my most embarrassing one. As part of the course, towards the end, the trainees are given lessons in formal table service but only given a brief opportunity to practice before the actual formal dinner where myself and my three slave sisters would each be serving one of our honoured guests: Masters’ Taino, Tallen, Jack and Lady Lynnette. I was to serve Master Jack and wanted everything to be absolutely perfect but I was extremely nervous! So nervous in fact that my hands were trembling as I tried to pour the wine as demonstrated and one tiny drop of deep red wine landed on the pure white table cloth beside him. I shot me a stern look over his shoulder and pretended to be furiously writing notes as if he was “writing me up” for my disgraceful performance. I was horrified and hew knew it, and just as I felt my heart sink he winked at me and smiled his classicly broad good natured smile and I knew he was just messing with me which totally helped break the tension I felt and let me relax a bit. (even if he did just about give me a heart attack first)

Yes, Jack was one of a kind. I am sorry I did not get the opportunity to know him better and my heart and deepest condolences go out to those who knew him well and loved him dearly.

Here’s a quick recap of a truly fabulous weekend: My buddy Mike AKA “Motorcycle Mike” is one of my best friends and lives about four blocks awa.  I hang out at his place an average of 2 - 3 times a week because he has a really well equipped home gym and I have been telling him for a long time now that he would have the best gym in town if he had a pool and a hot tub.  (I don’t have enough yard for a damn pool)   Boo hoo!

Hell I told him I would even consider doubling my current membership dues if he added one or both of those, which of course is truly generous of me considering I pay no dues now so twice that would still not break the bank too badly. <ha ha> Anyway, so Mikey called me up around lunch time on Friday to say he was finally going to put up the pool I have been pestering him for and he wanted to know if I would be willing to come “pick up some sticks to help with that”. 

Well I was dressed and there about 20 mins later and the “sticks” as he put it was actually a couple of piles of leaves and brances almost as tall as I am that were the remains of a tree that he and his buddy ripped out of the ground with a pick up truck that morning! Umm yeah he does nothing the easy way. So I proceeded to spend the next couple of hours cutting these branches down to size and stuffing them into barrels and bags to be hauled away.  By the time my darling Brett had arrived and I roped him into helping with the next stage of the project which incluided digging up a 20 foot round patch of soil and trying our best to level it off. 

We jetted off to Home Depot to rent a rototiller to help with that goal and we and a few other friends all ended up busting our butts for the rest of the evening but succeeded with getting the pool up and relatively level! By the next day (July 4th) it was pretty much full (8000 gallons goes quick when you are running 2 hoses thanks to one of the neighbors help) and we had a lovely afternoon get together withg Mike, some of his family, the neighbors, me and my sweetie and a couple other mutual friends.

Later that evening, Brett and I and my neice and nephew walked down to Wayras Park to check out the fireworks display over the hudson river. We were remarkably close to the action! So close in fact that the people in front of us had a chunk of still smoldering firework fall on the jacket one of them was sitting on and they had to beat it out. :) It was really amazingly beautiful and romantic and fun being so close and snuggling almost directly under the display!   

Sadly though I heard that not everyone that attended had quite as lovely an evening. I read that there were dozens of people who had their cars parked at the nearby Poughkeepsie train station who returned to find their car paint jobs ruined by the falling embers and ash!  I was really sorry to hear so many people had trouble but boy was I glad we left my little Versa home safe and sound!

Sunday my sweetheart decided to treat me to something a bit different and so he took me to check out the Old Rhinebeck Aerodrome to see the airshow.  This is something special for Brett because he fondly remembers going as a young teen over 35 years ago and pretty surprised to discover that the show hadn’t changed all that much in three and a half decades! Even the names of the charcters were the same! OK so I thought it was a bit cheesey but it was very educational and I saw some really amazing old planes that I could hardly belive were still getting off the ground! I took a bunch of pics but will just share one of them with you here.  

Monday I decided to take my neice and nephew to the Great Escape and Splashwater Kingdom in Lake George. It was a perfect day weather wise and we all had a really great time! I admit to being a bit of a wimp with some of the roller coaster type rides, (I don’t do upside down or backwards) but since my neice is a whcko speed junkie and guilt tripped me I did find the courage to go on Sasquatch which drops you like 15 stories straight down and the Comet which was one wicked fast scary but “normal” roller coaster with her!  My favoriet though were the water rides! I went on every single one! The Tornado was truly a trip where you get dumped into a giant funnel that rocks you back and forth until you finally shoot out the bottom into a big pool! Ohh and the Black Cobra which shoots you down a twisty turny tube in a total black out! Whew !!  We did something like 8 full hours in the park and a 5 hour round trip drive but when we got home we all decided to hit the shower and go down to Mulligan’s for a few drinks and to check out Nadia’s friend TC’s band and some of her other friend’s at open mic night. 

It was a really great action packed and totally fun weekend but I was actually really grateful to have a quiet day today to catch up on mail and stuff! Ohh and I signed on officially to do Folsom Fringe ‘09 in San Jose CA Sept 25 - 28!

So June brought me something rather surprising to be grateful for. My shih tzu “Foo foo” (don’t ask my ex husband named her that) is fairly old - probably 12 years at least, and definitely overweight - 22 lbs or so the vet told me, but I do love that little dog. Well 2 weeks ago Thursday the little darlin’ took a nasty fall down the steps and injured one of her front legs. My room mate woke me to tell me this at 6am banging on the door and hollering “Come quick, something is wrong with Foof!” which is always a nice way to get woken up (sorry for the sarcasm).

So I looked her over as best I could at that ungodly hour and sure enough she can’t put any weight at all on the front left leg and she is whimpering and crying in a tone that would break any one’s heart. So as soon as I could get her over to the vet I did and I asked for the worst case scenario because I really wasn’t sure how I was going to pay a heavy vet bill right now. He told me that if it was a complicated fracture they would need to call the specialist and then it would run 3 grand at least.  My heart sunk and I stated sobbing because to be honest, I would not be able to swing that.

I left crying and praying that I was not going to have to put my dog to sleep that day. It had been a really bad couple of weeks emotionally for me and I went home and cried hysterically that I was not sure how I was going to handle having to say goodbye to this little creature that had been a part of my life for so long. But Universe or God or what ever merciful force dwells there in took pity on the two of us and I got the good news that it was a fairly minor fracture. They bandaged the hell out of it and sent her home with some anti inflammatories and told me to keep her off it as best as possible and check back in a week. Well she is still limping a bit (especially when the little brat tries jumping around on it like she is still a puppy) but for the most part I got off lucky with ONLY getting hit for a $400 vet bill. Whew!

Yeah OK .. $400 was pretty much not in the budget this month either but it sure sounded better than having to make the decision to put her to sleep because I couldn’t afford to fix her leg right? So my room mate kicked me $100 and I had $120 worth of unexpected dungeon rentals that week and well that brought it to a very manageable sum and gave me a tremendous amount to be grateful for.

As a side note, the vet warned me that I should do my best to keep the wrappings dry and considering how much rain we have had in the month of June that was going to be no easy task.  He gave me an IV bag cut open at one end and suggested I could just slip it over her leg when she went outside.  Um well yeah OK in theory but that did not stay put at all.  Perhaps it might if I duct taped it to her cast but it just seemed way to bulky and clumsy.  So I decided to go with what I know and slipped a condom over her leg which solved the problem perfectly.  I considered tell him of my clever solution so that he could suggest it to other patients’ people but I was not sure how well that would go over.

Which seemed to kick off a trend because a few bridges have begun getting mended in my life. A very dear old friend with whom I had a serious falling out with several years ago contacted me out of the blue on Fetlife and we sat and drank coffee and chatted about old times and caught up on a bunch of stuff for a couple of hours today. And best of all… another sad situation in my life moved a bit this morning and shifted enough to bring me a gift this afternoon that I was totally not expecting but …I can truthfully say that today ended up being the happiest day I have had in over 3 months!!  :)  Yayy even!! 

I am still flying and would love to share more but it is way too personal for this venue… those of you who know me best know what situation I am referring to and will know soon enough why I am so happy!  Like grateful beyond belief … more so than I could even begin to express today and I think I am going to hit the jacuzzi with a glass of wine for a nightcap and count my many many blessings.  Much love to all….  Suze

So this month’s rope gathering was fabulous fun! I had a bunch of local friends as well some from New Hamphsire, Connecticut, and NYC come all the way here to sling some rope around and visit with like minded folks. In all I think there were about a dozen here this time of all skill levels although most were more in the intermediate range this time. 

One of the high lights of the day was when my friend Dez of Darkstone NH asked if I would suspend him. 

Although he is quite the dominant and has done a lot of suspension work himself he believes as I do that there is tremendous value in experiencing what something feels like yourself so that you can better understand what the bottom / submissive is feeling.  

We were sure to capture the moment on “film” as this is definitely one of those “no one would believe it if they didn’t see it” moments. :)  Afterwards we threw some burgers and dogs on the grill and had a pot luck barbeque.  It was a really great day and I am very much looking forward to doing it again soon!

So since my niece has turned 21 she has been checking out some of the local nightlife in the area. (Yes Poughkeespie has a nightlife). Furthermore she has been doing her best to drag me out with her now & then so that I have a better idea where she is every night until 3 and 4 am instead of sitting home worrying about her.

She is especially fond of “open mic nights” because I think she likes the tortured artist types. One Monday night recently I went to Mulligan’s Irish House with her to check out her friend Anthony’s band and I had a great time. Not only is her friend “TC” a really talented guitarist but he also has a really good voice. From what I hear he and his band mates have been doing something for MTV that they are really excited about. If you are curious at all please do check out “TC’s” band’s MySpace page here: Bangcock Ladys Boy.  There are a bunch of their original tunes loaded on the page but that night he was doing a lot of acoustic cover tunes that brought back tons of sweet nostalgic memories for me. But when I asked my niece if she knew any of those songs that made me smile she mostly gave me a blank stare. Wow .. nothing like hanging with a kid that wasn’t even born when you were partying to make you feel old. Huge generation gap there folks!

But I still had a really great night out singing along, shuffling my feet a bit and knocking back a few drinks like in the “old days”.  We stayed right through until closing and then watched the band pack up (which REALLY brought back memories from my misspent youth.  Anyway, I could definitely do that again sometime but not every week like she would want.  I took a few shots with my phone .. they are ehh at best but looking at them brings back some fun memories. 

So I found out recently that Brett’s soon to be ex-wife has been creating profiles on Fetlife and Twitter and who knows where else using variations of “SxySadist” as well as photos of me she stole of the web, my real name, home address and phone number and saying some pretty awful and untrue things about me.

I feel that I am understandably upset and annoyed by this but have decided not to vent as publicly as I initially wanted and so I am changing this post. I am hurt and angry and honestly part of me simply wanted to remind her that I can be a far bigger bitch than she could ever even aspire to be. Hell, I am a “professional bitch”. But I also tend to cool off fairly quickly and re-evaluate things. I don’t want to cause my boyfriend or his poor kids any more heartache than they already have, so for now I am going to let this go. 

However, I do need people to be aware that there is someone out there slandering and using my personal information to harass me, so I would like to ask that if you see any suspicious profiles with any my photo or some form of ”sxysadist” please let me know so that I can contact the authorities and have her dealt with legally, because what she is doing is against the law.  Thanks.