Suzanne SxySadist’s Personal Blog

I started this article last year and dropped it into a draft folder where it was forgotten for quite some time.  I came across it this week and decided to dust it off and throw it out here.  I welcome comments on it.)

Speaking of rope … a while back when I christened my new batch of flax from Madame Butterfly on “slave t” I alluded briefly to some rope characteristics and how they sometimes contribute to my rope selection for a scene. This is not something I have ever bothered to delve deeply into in the bondage classes that I teach, mainly because I think that a lot of my views here are highly subjective. What works for me in a given scenario may not work for the next person, or even for me again on a different day, with someone else, if the wind doesn’t blow just right. 

I guess, what I am trying to say is that there is no exact science or step by step recipe to the alchemy of a great rope scene that will work every single time in any given scenario, and honestly, would anyone really want that?  Isn’t a bit of fiery and passionate unpredictability part of what makes a sexual encounter hot? If getting laid ever became nothing but a paint by the numbers exercise, I would hope the human race would finally finish itself off.   

However, I do realize that some general guidelines that I use in selecting rope could still prove to be useful insight for someone who may be new enough to not have formed opinions about such things, so I hope this article will be helpful to some folks and that it is not purely mental masturbation. (Not that I have anything against masturbation, mental or otherwise!)

Though I do not believe I have ever been known for delivering clear concise essays especially when the topic at hand drifts into the realm of “woo woo” (which is a catch all phrase I use for anything having to do with energetic connection and other intangibles that have to be felt rather than described in concrete terms), I will do my best to stay on topic and keep this as simple and direct yet thorough as possible. Please keep in mind that everything I am about to say is entirely my opinion and as such your mileage may vary. 

Rope Slut - I am definitely a Rope Slut and I am also a compulsive shopper so at this point I own a HELL of a lot of rope from a wide variety of sources.  Although I do not NEED any more rope, I always enjoy checking out new rope and vendors even if only from the standpoint of what uniqueness it may add to an experience.

Personally, as a top or a bottom, the more my senses are fully engaged in an experience, generally the fuller and often more satisfying that experience will be. I believe that a creative top can use different types of rope to induce specific effects in a scene similar to an artist using color to paint or a composer uses different instruments in a piece of music. Let’s think about the various senses and how they can be affected by various rope characteristics:

Look–When I consider how rope bondage looks, I see it as having at least two distinct and separate layers. 

First, there is the look of the actual tie. Things to consider are: how neatly the bands are laid against each other, do rope twist or cross each other, does the tie snugly grip the body or do the bands shift around loosely on the skin, are the ends left hanging, bunched up and shoved away or meticulously tied off? Is the over all effect symmetrical? Does it complement the individual’s physique, etc?  

But there is there is  also the look of the actual rope itself to consider.  Each material (hemp, flax, jute, silk, cotton, nylon etc) has its own unique appearance and then there are the construction whether it be braided or twisted, thickness and color to consider as well.  I will get into these aspects separately in a moment. 

Honestly there are times when the visual appearance of the bondage is more important to me than others. If I am doing a photo shoot, I naturally want the rope itself as well as the tie I am creating to be neat and pretty, but there are times when the intention of the scene is less about the visual and more focused on other things, like the energy exchange, the dynamics and sensations we are sharing, and how damn horny we are getting, so at those times my ties tend to be a bit faster, messier or “dirtier”.  

I personally often find “messy ties” to have a greater “sex appeal” than perfectly executed and meticulous ties on bored to death or otherwise disengaged models.  There is something really hot for me about the urgency of a “dirty and fast tie”, although my partner Brett reminded me that a slow meticulous tie executed with delicious sexual chemistry and a delightful teasing build up can be pretty damn hot too.  However you prefer it, the bottom line for me is that the real juice is in the intention and the energy of the scene and its participants not just in the visual aspects of the rope work.

To illustrate this,  these days when I am doing full or partial suspension bondage with my lover in our personal play, I often use a combination of silk for comfort and hemp for strength, even though the ropes do not actually look that great together.  At these times, I care more about what  am trying to accomplish than I do about how the bondage looks, and I find that using the silk for chest wraps under the arms and then adding a band of hemp over the arms gives me the strength I need while keeping him as comfortable as possible and able to stay in the tie even under other heavy physical duress (translated to: while I beat him with a really big stick). 

When I am focusing on the visual aspects of a tie for a  photo shoot (as opposed to a scene) I will begin by making sure my ropes match and if I decide to use hemp for example I will use only hemp that visually matches and not different colors, thicknesses, and textures. I will also pay much closer attention to the symmetry and other visual aspects of the tie like deciding how many wraps it will take to create a band on the body so that it looks properly proportioned.  

As for the use of color, I enjoy using brightly colored rope in certain situations for various reasons: to match a models skin tone, hair, accent clothing, create dramatic effects etc, but I more often than not prefer natural colored rope. First off I am a bit of a perfectionist and I hate that most dying processes do not color the rope all the way to the core.  :P <bleh>

Furthermore, I feel there is something intrinsically and transparently beautiful about natural fiber on naked flesh. I love finding and appreciating beauty its simplest and purest form whenever possible these days. Even natural ropes come in a variety of shades from snow white bamboo, off white creamy silk, jutes that lean toward golden wheat like colors and the hemp I have tends to be a nice neutral tan which works well on most skin tones for me. 

In addition to the color of the rope another thing I tend to notice is how well the ropes’ finish catches light. Some of the smoother textures tend to reflect light better than others.  For example, most nylons have pretty high shine and some of the softer “grassy” ropes have a lovely warm sheen to them. Those of us who really appreciate beautiful rope photography will want to pay special attention to this quality as it can make a big difference in the photos.

Feel – Texture tends to be very important to me. When I touch the rope with my hands I am naturally feeling the texture of it as I glide it through my hands and over my fingers because I want to know how it is going to feel when I drag it across the bottom’s flesh. But, I also pay attention to a few others things such as the “burn speed” which is the amount of friction the rope creates as it drags across the skin. Many people are surprised to find that nylon rope which can feel smooth to the touch actually gets hotter faster than most natural fibered ropes such as cotton, hemp, jute or silk and thus is said to have a lower burn speed.

I also am often aware of the temperature of the rope as it goes onto my body. Not necessarily temperature as in was it stored in a warm or cold room or not (although that is naturally a factor as well because I truly dislike being cold) but I tend to find smoother textures often feel cooler than coarser ones even if stored in the same location and some materials seem to warm to the body quicker than others. For example, I almost always find braided nylon ropes to feel cooler than most twisted hemp and silk usually feels the warmest of all in my rope basket.

Another important factor I will include here (although these are more functional characteristics than an aesthetic feature) is how much stretch and compression the rope has. If I am doing a full or partial suspension I need to know whether the ropes are going to stay where I place them or stretch and shift more than will be comfortable or safe. A bit of stretch can be very desirable under certain circumstances and not good at all for others. I am especially fond of Madame Butterfly’s silk in this regard because the silk stretches enough to “breathe” with the bottom which can be very handy for some situations, & gentler intentions but it is not generally suitable to use for the main support lines in a suspension.  

I am a reasonable enough sadist to understand that if I use rope that a sub won’t tear themselves to bits struggling in, I can keep them tied up longer tormenting them in other deliciously cruel and devious ways.  As mentioned earlier, my Brett has lasted much longer in full and partial suspensions when I use the silk for the base wraps AND I have even been able to suspend him day after day without him feeling overly tender from the rope abrasions and contusions.  I also adore the silk for sensual bedroom bondage when I want to be able to struggle or pull comfortably against the rope.

Part of its charm for me is that silk allows for a great deal of compression. The best way I can describe what I mean by compression is for me to have you imagine you have two fairly bony places tied together with a cinch between them and a bit of weight on the area. A dense rope that won’t compress will dig deeper into the flesh and cause more discomfort under this circumstance than one that has a lot of compressibility and give to it. For times when I am tying bony areas in close proximity and I want to insure either more comfort or less marks I will grab either a very smooth soft nylon or the soft spongy raw silk. 

There are also days and instances when I crave the scratchier, coarser feel of some of the rougher grasses, but not often. I have some brand new jute for example that I bought from the Monk over a year ago and have only used once or twice because it is just so rough on the skin. Yes, I know that if I used it more often it would begin to soften but there in is one of life’s sweet ironies that it won’t get soft enough to use until you use it a lot so I tend to leave it in the basket and grab something that is far more usable now!

Smell – The sense of smell is absolutely connected to sexual response on a primal level and many bottoms get turned on just smelling certain kinds of rope. Each type of material has its own unique fragrance and can elicit different responses. In particular I love the natural scents of hemp, flax and silk. I am not overly wild about chemical or petroleum scented ropes.

I tend to tell the story in my bondage class that the smell of natural rope is hard wired to sex for me because my first orgasm as a kid was climbing the thick ropes in gym class! (I was very good at rope climbing). On the other hand, I find the smell of silk to be very comforting to me because I associate that scent with my mother who went through a phase of wearing raw silks shirts that I used to borrow fairly often.  The point is, because of the place it gets stored in your brain, scents can be one of the easiest senses to exploit and one of the longest lasting associations to make. 

Taste – Yes even taste can come into play in particular if you have a tendency to play with rope gags. Some ropes swell more than others when wet which you may want to consider as well if you want to make sure the submissive can still breathe freely.

While here it bears mentioning that some people have allergies to the natural fibers of hemp or jute and if in doubt it would be good to check before shoving a big wad of it into their mouth. For more info on the use of gags & blindfolds I have another essay elsewhere on the blog: Blindfolds & Gags 101 and then some! 

Sound –Ok, since rope all by itself tends to be pretty quiet, this one is not a major player for me but it the truth is when a submissive is blindfolded all of their other senses become heightened and if I close my eyes right now I can hear in my head the whispering friction sound of rope whooshing or whirring across itself, the snap of it slapping across my flesh, the ground or the rig (which also relates to feel) and the creaking sound it can make when you are suspended.

Ok that is about all I have to say at the moment .. if I think of anything else to add I will edit it in later.

Yours in rope .. Suze

This is a rather long post that I originally made on the Adult Rope Art Yahoo List. Jan 16 2008 and that I am reposting here.

As is too often the case, my schedule and energetic resources have only occasionally afforded me the time to follow the latest discussions here, and as is also often the case, I have simply lurked and taken in the best gist of the conversation that my little, less intellectual rope loving brain can manage to follow. Rarely do I post here since rarer still do feel I can add anything of great substance to the discussions but this time for what it’s worth, (which is far less than 2 cents I am sure once adjusted for inflation of ego or what not) I think I would like to add my probably too long winded thoughts.

There is a part of me that absolutely understands the western desire to dissect to death and then label things neatly so as to have concrete identifiable standards for what something is and is not, but during this latest discussion on what makes something Shibari, there has also been a part of me screaming “what difference does it really make”??!!

Honestly, with all due respect and no judgments attached, most of the time I think you “guys” focus way too much on labels and manage to suck the life and juice, fun, joy and just plain ol’ sexiness out of it all. As my dear friend Mac can attest, since we have chatted about topics such as this on occasion, I feel many times that these discussions get decidedly yang heavy and get stuck on the technical aspects of style over function, weights and measures, mats vs no mats, titles, protocols and standards, etc ad nauseum and while what is really and truly hot, sexy and wonderful about this medium is being lost in the mix. For me many of the things that most draw me to rope bondage defy all of those things and live more in the realm of the yin: art, eroticism, mystery, emotion & feeling.

The image posted was absolutely amazing! (Image to the right: rigged by JD of the Two Knotty Boys and photgraphed by Z. Matiri)

No question about it: perfectly executed & beautiful rope work, fabulous knotting, wonderful lighting & color, stunning model, great composition all done by a very handsome rope artist to boot!

What is not to like? And I do understand that he posed the question as to whether or not it was Shibari, for whatever reason, so naturally the responses elicited were all appropriate to that question but with all due resect, because I admire the TKB’s tremendously, I personally find the question to be mostly irrelevant to my enjoyment of the photo.

When I look at a bondage image, I generally am not concerned with what style of tie it is or whether the ropes exactly match some criteria by which we can determine whether the artist, rigger, rope top, nawashi (insert you personal preference here) has been properly trained in the traditional style of rope dating back X many centuries, and whether he / she is western or eastern influenced, or chooses to wear a kimono and tie barefoot even though he not asian (etc etc etc).

When I see an image of a tie what I am more interested in is what feelings does it illicit in me, what can I determine about what brought everyone involved to that particular moment in time and perhaps what is the photographer trying to convey.

On a personal level I sometimes explore things like: does it turn me on as a rigger and make me want to learn that tie? Does it make me envious or jealous because I feel I am not as skilled or curious to see if I can determine where the main support ropes (in suspension of course) are so I can better understand the rigging and perhaps use pieces of it myself in the future.

Since I am a switch that loves to be in rope myself and do not spend near enough time there for my liking (yes that was a self serving passive aggressive hint to a few friends), I wonder does the image turn me on as a bottom? I will often try to read what feeling or sensation is being created in or experienced by the bottom in an image. What is the energetic level, flavor or temperature of the image? Is she or he struggling with shame or vulnerability? Are they in extreme discomfort and trying to endure for her own sake, for the top’s sake for the sake of the shoot? Was she staring at the ceiling during the tedious and methodical application of the rope and now that the rope is done is she trying to “act” or convey something she isn’t really feeling for the sake of the image or is she really truly and fully in this experience? Is that experience mainly based on the rope itself or is the bondage just a vehicle to explore the energy and dynamic that exists between the players?

What can I determine about the intention of the rigger? Was this image taken purely as a testament to his/ her skill for vanity or ego’s sake? Was the intention to create art to inspire others or to teach and share knowledge? Or perhaps was this image snapped as a remembrance of a special moment, eperience or time lovingly spent with this person in rope. And occasionally I see an image that will stop me in my tracks and make me wonder if I could ever entice that rigger to lay rope on my flesh.

There is a particular photo by photographer Michelle Serchuk that has graced my desk top off and on for 2 years that comes to mind.  Although I am opting not to post it here parts of it can be seen on two other blogs that I know of: Mac’s with the caption “Puzzel Piece” and Besu’s with the caption “Hnging on”. It is a black & white photo, a beautiful woman in inverted suspension, gorgeous lines of her body leading the eye downward, a rope circles her throat and pivots under a railing back up to the hand that holds it, tugging it upward toward him. The top’s back is to the camera and his handsome face is only slightly profiled but everything about the image conveys his exquisite presence, his rapt concentration and shows that his focus is entirely on her in that moment.

Without seeing his face or eyes I could see everything I needed to know to tell me that I wanted to be in her place. That place of rapture and surrender, offering absolutely everything to someone truly worthy of it receiving it. That image alone was enough to tell me this was someone I desired to play with and serve to the best of my ability even if it is only on occasion. And yes, our experiences together since have been every bit as exciting and challenging and juicy and hot and every other sexy good thing I had imagined they would be. And the catalyst for it all was that one image and a few emails.

Anyway, and more to the point, to my mind these are the far more interesting and exciting places to focus my attention than whether or not a particular tie is or is not Shibari.

Much love to all my ropey friends..

Suze aka Suzanne SxySadist
www.shibarilover.com

Someone posted to the ARA (Adult Rope Art) Yahoo group today with questions about Blindfolds and gags because he had been asked to get information on them for a special interest bondage group he belongs to. Well, since I was pretty much snowed in today, I decided to take a crack at it.

Here is my reply post to the list, I hope others find it informative and helpful. Please feel free to link here if you desire but please ask me before you copy or repost anywhere. I spent a fair bit of time on this and would like credit for it. Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Gary … I actually laughed out loud when I initially saw this query because it was so ironic to me. Let me explain. I had a bit of a pet peeve for awhile about guys on “Collar Me” that would check off “Expert” next to things like blindfolds and gags because there is a part of me that felt like these are not exactly rocket science topics that require a tremendous amount of training or practice to develop expertise in. Further and it seemed almost pathetic to me that some of these guys were grasping at straws to be able to put “Expert” next to SOMETHING even if it is an activity so simple a semi trained monkey could do it. I mean how hard it is to fasten the buckle on a typical blindfold or a gag?

However, my very dear friend and favorite rope top Mac pointed out to me a couple of years back that I might be surprised to discover that it is not as easy as I might think to blindfold someone with duct tape and not have them lose a single eyelash in the process.

Which of course at the time was something I had not honestly considered, but I can attest to his considerable skill in this area, as well as quite a few others. (pant pant drool drool.. Touché’ by the way, once again handsome, I appreciate that you are ever expanding my horizons).

Anyway, Gary’s questions made me wonder about what I actually DO know about blindfolds and gags and so I will do my best to answer a few of the queries he posed:

* What types of blindfolds and gags do you use?

I have several store bought blindfolds of the typical variety: generally of leather construction and softly lined with smooth garment leather or fur, sheepskin etc. Some buckle in the rear and one of my favorites has a Velcro closure which is really convenient because it goes on quickly and I have less trouble with hair getting caught in it or my nails being problematic etc.

I have also worn one called the “Mindfold” which is especially nice because it wraps nicely around the face completely blocking vision and light etc, with the added bonus that the cut outs in the foam on the interior allow it to not put any pressure on the eye lids themselves. Advantages of this are first of course comfort for the bottom but also that if the bottom is wearing eye makeup it will not get smeared all over their face nor will it end up all messy or sparkly on the inside of your blindfold.

As for gags I have quite a few store bought ones (a few of which are now pictured in this article): a pony bit gag, ball gags of various size and one that looks like a little penis shaped gag, as opposed to the dildo gag where part goes into the mouth and part can go other places first, a funnel gag for water / liquid play, a rubber hose gag (where they breathe through a little rubber hose until I stick my finger in it), an inflatable “butterfly” gag (very nasty that one), some evil steel medical gags and mouth spreaders (all of a very sinister looking sort) and probably a few others I am forgetting off the top of my head.

* Other things I have used for blindfolds and gags are:

· Scarves or a rolled up sarong – I have a breath play fetish so I ALWAYS have silky scarves & sarongs around. Definitely a favorite for multipurpose use, they are great for impromptu bondage also! Wrap around eyes or drop an over hand knot or two at center for a gag.
·Nylon stockings thigh high or panty hose – silky ones feel really nice & some male “footsie” slaves love when I take them off during a scene & use them, it adds to their fetish. Again can be blindfold or gag.
· Rope – simply lark heading around the head a few times until you cover the eyes sufficiently. I think it looks so hot. J Will discuss rope gag below.
·Dental floss - (Midori showed me this one) simply pass over the eye lids or lashes a couple of times, just tight enough that they cannot open their eyes. This can be psychologically “trippy”
· Vet Wrap – Great for a blindfold or to wrap over mouth that has a “gag” in it. I have been known to cover the whole face & head as well as the hands (have them hold a tennis ball in each hand & then wrap)
· Ace Bandage – Super multipurpose stuff and reusable!
· Tape – not electrical as asked below but I have used latex bondage tape which sticks to itself not to skin or hair as well as duct tape. With duct tape I usually wrap the head once in vet wrap, ace bandage or even paper towel so that the tape doesn’t stick to the hair but the sadist in me occasionally enjoys ripping it off flesh.
· Panties make wonderful gags especially damp ones. It is sexy for Mistress to stuff her own in slave’s mouth (assuming you have a body fluid agreement) and it can be really sexy, hot & embarrassing to take a girl’s wet panties off and stuff them in her own mouth. (Not that I would have any firsthand experience with that.) Fold, roll or simply stuff them in the mouth and add a wrap or two with something like Vet wrap to hold them in. See cautions below.

* Where is a good source for ball gags, etc.?

I think most of us will admit that some of the fetish suppliers are far more reasonable price wise than others. I don’t have a particular supplier I am fond of for gags off hand because I have bought from so many over the years. I have occasionally gotten great deals on ebay for all sorts of toys but you have to be careful because sometimes the quality is better than others.

However, I have also been known to make my own really inexpensively especially if I wanted something that was disposable for any reason. Here’s how: go to a sporting goods store and get some practice golf balls, these are usually bright orange or yellow with bunches of holes all around them. Then any relatively heavy duty cord or twine can be run through the center of the ball. I am especially fond of leather cord from the craft store. Anyway, knot it a few times to hold it in place on the cord, (not necessary but helpful) and tie it in the back of the head. Has the advantage of being easier to breathe through than most typical balls.

* How do you clean them?

I use Super Sani wipes on most stuff but hot soapy water would probably be sufficient as well. Unless their gums are bleeding you pretty much are only dealing with saliva which is not the worst bio hazard on the planet.

* Do you use vet wrap or electrical tape? Where is a good source for vet wrap?

Another list member “Iowa Architect” posted this link and information regarding vet wrap: http://www.jefferspet.com/ In Search window, put in “Vet Wrap” Great price and range of colors. There also is 2″ available on the same web-site if you search for vet-wrap.

* Do you use rope gags? If so, how are they made?

Hell yes, as I said before I love rope for gags and for blindfolds. The knot that I use to make a rope gag I think was called a Capuccian but I may have manked the spelling. It looks basically like a little barrel and that is of course trickier to describe in writing than it is to demonstrate visually. I took a fast peek on the web and didn’t see it but I am sure I got it originally from one of my many knot books.

Maybe someone else here knows how to describe it better or has a link to a tutorial. (A little later on the truly fabulous Two Knotty Boys posted the following info in response to this question);

 The following YouTube tutorials show ways of reducing and muffling sound.

How to Tie a Rope Ball Gag
How to Tie a Rope Head Cage
How to Tie a Thick Bit Gag

Thanks to the TKB!! If you ever get a chance check them out!

* Is there anything to be particularly concerned about when using either a blindfold or gag?

I think your other questions cover this pretty well…

* Do you use a gag as a head harness or attachment point? If so, what precautions do you take?

I have woven rope gags in among head harness work many times, they can be really pretty as well as functional. Generally if I am going to then use the harness as an attachment point I like to be sure there is no way in hell the person can fall or I micro manage the scene intensely because an oops could result in serious injury of the jaw, neck or spinal cord. (I know that should be an “uhh duh” comment for most but it needed to be said in response to the question.) It can be delicious to rope weave an entire body right up to the head and then lash the person down over every square inch on their body but I generally do that while they are lying down. The times I have done a standing weave that included the head there was so much rope on them that they couldn’t fall if they tried but it was way too damn time consuming.

* What could cause problems with breathing or choking during a scene? What precautions do you take when using something like a handkerchief in the mouth as a gag?

Anytime you place anything in or over the mouth that could potentially obstruct the airway you need to pay really close attention. (Another fairly obvious statement). As part of the breath play class that I teach I talk about gags and the potential hazards they pose. (I am in fact doing that class for “Sinsations” in Chicago next weekend.)

Here are a few things to think about: First, there is the danger of suffocation or choking. Make sure that the person can still get enough airflow. Be aware that reduced airflow can sometimes be tolerable for awhile but that it can also lead to sudden loss of consciousness. (Remember in Pirates of the Caribbean when Elizabeth fell from the cliff from wearing a too tight corset? It can sneak up on you.)

On the other hand, gags that are too deep or big to breathe around at all, or place pressure on the soft palate making it tough to get air through the nose can turn into a problem quickly. Keep in mind also that if a person is gagged on their back it can prevent them from being able to swallow properly = saliva build up = another kind of choke hazard.

You also need to be able to get the damn thing off quick fast and in a hurry if the person got nauseus for any reason because being gagged while vomiting is seriously life threatening!

Positions that require that the person hold their head in a particular place in order to be able to breathe can be a major issue if the person falls asleep, shifts position, trips or passes out. For example there was a bondage death reported of someone that I believe was mummified in a closet with a straw to breathe through.  The straw fell out and the person suffocated.  

Leaving someone unsupervised and alone in that kind of predicament is beyond risky, it’s stupid. Please make sure that and bound & gagged person has another way to communicate with you if they are in trouble and please do not ever leave them in a room alone if they are gagged in a way that would prevent them calling or grunting loud enough for help.

I could probably go on and list several more dangers but you get the general idea, however I definitely don’t want to sound all doom and gloom in anyway. I am definitely not the “safety fetishist” of the community. (winks at Jay) Basically you need to use common sense and not leave someone alone tied and gagged and when you are with them, pay attention to them. Pretty simple really.

* Is using a blindfold any more complicated than simply and gently placing a covering over the eyes?

Umm I tend to think of it as one of the least complicated things you can do in a scene but people vary quite a bit in regards to what their reactions to being blindfolded can consist of and unpredictability can lead to complications.

So I would venture to say that the issues that might arise would probably not be in the application of it but in the reactions and the monitoring of the bottom while in that state.

I have had people pretty much freak out because of fear, anxiety or past experiences that got triggered. I have also had some people simply sink into this lovely, woozy blissed out state, while oters simply get a wee bit light headed. People quite often lose their equilibrium while blindfolded and so obviously they are far more likely to trip or fall if you don’t take good care of them. Pay attention, stay present, etc.

What questions should I have asked?

Not sure off hand but I am tired of typing at this point and I think I have said all I have to say about this topic for the time being, however I can definitely see the potential for a new class here and if I gave out certificates of attendance & completion then I would have to stop snickering at the “expert” blind folders and “gaggers” on Collar Me and instead stick to laughing at the “experts” at Receiving Massage. But there again, I suppose someone would argue that there is a fine art to learning to lay there and not get up or fall off the table while getting a massage. Geez I am so cynical today.

Stay warm and safe folks!!

With ropey love …

Suze aka Suzanne SxySadist

(Author’s note: While this is a fairly thorough exploration of what to use, my friend and colleague Mac has written a fascinating posting about his reasons why to use here:  “Shutting up and shutting down”)

I have had a few people inquire about my mention of the work of David Deida, the reason for my interest in it and how it relates to the lifestyle so I thought it might be helpful for me to write a bit about it. First let me say that I do not claim to be an expert of his teachings and I of course (as we all do) have filtered what I have heard from him through my own life experiences and perspectives, so my retelling of what I have gleaned from it is naturally biased that way. I have held onto the bits that speak to me and let go of much of what didn’t. Anyone that is really curious about his work should investigate it themselves by Googling his name.    
   
First, some thoughts on Taoism since I feel he has drawn some of his explanation of sexual polarity from the concepts of yin and yang. (Which I also do not claim to be expert on, by the way.  Have I disclaimered this enough yet?) J Ok Suze, get on with it.  
   
The theory of yin and yang teaches us that the universe and everything in it is made up of opposing but complimentary forces that are often not set in absolute black & white values, but vary by degree based on one another like so many shades of grey.  Let’s take hot and cold for example. A 65 degree temperature may be pretty warm compared to freezing but it is quite cool when compared to boiling. Just as light and dark vary depending on how far up the grey scale your present perspective is coming from.  
   
These forces are also cyclical in nature meaning that one gives rise to the other and so forth. Night and day are ambiguous at best at sunrise or sunset because of the rise and fall or a dance between these forces where one is always giving rise to the other. You cannot have one with out it’s compliment but unlike “good and evil” which imply judgment, these forces generally strive to reach a balance point that allows for harmony. Life and death are perhaps less ambiguous although I have met more than a few people that may as well be dead for the amount of living they are actually doing, but that is inappropriate because it implies judgment on my part. Anyway, you get the idea.  
   
Also, each of these elements has the seed of the other within it just as the yin yang symbol itself illustrates. Nothing is purely one thing or another because the interplay of the elements always allows for a little of it’s reciprocal to dwell within it.  
   
Let’s look at masculine / feminine & dominant / submissive dynamics for a moment. To begin with, Deida has helped me to understand masculine & feminine better in terms of energy rather than gender and that each person on earth contains both of these energies in them to one degree or the other.  Generally, men have a more masculine essence and women have more feminine but not always and I feel that this is especially prevalent in female dominant / male submissive relationships where the woman displays more of the “traditional masculine” qualities of being in control and setting the coarse of things while the male submissive is more passive and defers to her leadership in the relationship.  
   
For the most part and to further illustrate these dynamics, masculine energy tends to be more dominant, purposeful and focused than feminine energy, which tends to be more passive, fluid, and emotional.  There are dozens of adjectives or qualities that are assigned yin or yang distinction and while I know that many people would take objection with the concept of being labeled one or the other the truth is we all have these qualities with in us and can generally draw from our masculine or feminine (aka yin / yang energies) depending on the circumstance.  Even the most sexually submissive person can exhibit very dominant tendencies when the situation calls for it, like in their professional life for example and people who are very dominant in other areas of their life can at times enjoy taking a more passive role in the bedroom as a break from being the one in control all the damn time, sort of like a mini vacation. (I’d say the majority of my clients fall into that category).  
   
However, I believe that at a core sexual level we are generally far more one or the other. Our life experiences, learning and proclivities, of course shape how well we have developed or learned to express these dynamics but sex is very primal in nature and I feel that our core sexual identity rarely changes much over time and usually in our fantasies we either envision ourselves as being the one in control, thereby “leading the dance” or ravishing our partner, or the one being “captured”, ravished or being “done to”.  While some of us may on occasion enjoy entertaining fantasies of being in the other role, I think most of us find we are most sexually turned on by being on our more “natural” side of the fence with the right reciprocal partner.  
   
It is of course possible to have a sexual essence that is not in keeping with the way we conduct much of the rest of our lives because sexuality allows us to express our inner desires and “exercise our demons” in an intimate and (hopefully) safe setting so that for example, someone that may exhibit far more dominant traits out in the world is able to relax into “their feminine” and enjoy the feeling of surrender with a trusted partner and vice verse.  
   
One of the questions that Deida would pose to an individual in helping them to determine whether they are more masculine or feminine in nature (again not male / female gender wise but energetically on a masculine or feminine level and without judgment) is:  If you had to choose between accomplishing what you feel you were put on this earth to do so that you could die complete OR finding the most fulfilling and loving relationship of your life and living happily ever after… which would it be?  For many people this is a very easy choice.  Since the masculine essence is often drawn to a sense of purpose and accomplishment, they would lean towards the first choice whereas the feminine heart seeks and is driven love first and foremost and often on a devotional level leading to self sacrifice to make sure the needs of their partner are met.    
   
In this day and age however where women are being encouraged to seek out careers and find a sense of purpose and men are being called upon to exhibit more traditionally feminine qualities of openness and nurturing in relationships, the choice has become harder for many and it has lead to a great deal of confusion in communication and polarity since it is opposites that generally attract the strongest.  
   
Society and the roles we play as men & women in it are far different than they were in the 50s and prior to it for example in that the wife / woman is no longer the traditional stay-at-home mom while the husband / man goes out into the world to do “battle” and bring home the bacon.  We both have jobs either due to economic reasons, personal preference, a sense or purpose or whatever and the traditional feminine responsibilities of keeping the home and childcare must be shared between the sexes. In some ways this is progress and in others it has lead to a lot of problems with in relationships.  Women have much more say in financial matters, (Hell if I earned it, I better have a say in how it gets spent). They are also more vocal about their sexual needs and desires (It’s not all about you guys, sorry!)  And men that would prefer to have final say and a great deal of areas that were traditionally their realm often find opinionated feminine independence to be a thorn in their side or at least more challenging than they would like.  
   
I personally have found that many very dominant masculine men (especially some of the ones I have met on this site) are not attracted to strong, independent women who clearly have their own sense of purpose in life and are unable or do not want to lay down their own sense of identity, needs and desires to serve the man’s every need on his terms. As they say, it is a brave new world out here and communication, negotiation and being fully self aware and able to express your needs and wants are key I determining compatibility.   
   
Ok .. that’s enough for now .. I may add to or revise bits of this in the next week or so but this was what was on my mid this afternoon.   
   
Namaste’ (in short meaning as I understand it: I recognize and honor the Divine within you)  
   
Suzanne  

Hmm, I have not written anything here in quite some time and I am in the mood for a bit of a rant and saying what is on my mind tonight although it is like 3 am and I probably should just go to bed! I spent a quiet evening at home scanning “CollarMe” profiles of dominants in and out of my area and although I found a few very interesting ones (sadly not many close to upstate NY) I saw a lot of “crap” too. I guess the point of me mentioning this is to say that I really find that well written profiles (with photos) are very helpful in establishing an interest in a man or potential playmate for me.

Furthermore, I find it sad that so few people put much effort into them and then complain that they can’t find anyone “real” there.  I think you have to “be real”  to attract “real” in return.  I also have been getting contacted by a lot of people that do not seem to understand the value of “putting your best foot forward”, by preparing a decent and informative profile, crafting an interesting contact email or attaching a photo that does you justice.

Anyway, regarding profiles, I spent quite a bit of time writing a profile that does a fairly decent job of saying who I am, what my main interests and talents are and what I am looking for in a dominant partner. (and yet I still get dozens of requests from submissive men who wish to be my live in slave, which tells me these “slaves” could not even be bothered to read my profile and that in itself is not terribly endearing.

When someone that has no profile contacts me with a one liner email, I tend to blow them off because it tells me they are not willing to put in the time and effort up front to tell me what they are really all about. I hear a lot that they “don’t want to pour their heart out to strangers” or that they would rather “get to know someone in person”, but to be honest in this day & age I have learned to cut to the chase more quickly so that I can focus on people that I truly have something in common with, rather than have us both waste time and energy in a fruitless exchange.  

Also, please learn to use a spelling and grammar checker! Sheesh people! How difficult is it to copy & paste it to a Word  or similar file and check it before posting it?  You are sending your profile out into the community as a representation of you.  When I see a dominant’s profile littered with blatant mistakes it says to me that: this is a man that has no eye for detail and does not truly care how he is viewed and that is terribly unattractive, in my opinion.  My spelling and grammar are not exactly the greatest in the world either, (and I use my own rules of punctuation) but I am bright enough to know how to get help when it matters to me and I want to at least appear somewhat intelligent!  

Next, regarding photos… I also understand that there are some folks here that cannot post pics in their profiles due to jobs or whatever (and incidentally, since I am so active in the lifestyle locally and nationally, if you have tremendous privacy issues we are probably not a great match to be honest), but for those of you that can at least email a photo.. for God’s sake get a decent one taken! (Granted if I do not find you attractive even in a good picture a fabulous profile will probably not help since I do need to find my mate sexually attractive for an interest to grow.)   
   
In this age of cameras and scanners everywhere there is very little excuse for horribly lit self portraits that don’t actually show what you look like.  And here’s a news flash guys.. I have seen VERY few web cam photos that are attractive even if you ARE good looking. The lighting I usually terrible and most of them look like something from a scary movie or a mug shot. Bleh!  Come on .. you don’t have one single friend or relative that would be willing to take a decent photo for you? I am sorry but that in itself speaks volumes about you and not in a good way.  
 
Finally, and this is a pet peeve of mine.. but I would like to know what exactly does it take to claim expert status on inane things like blindfolds, collars, leashes, hoods, corsets, stockings, cages and gags! Did you actually attend a class on that somewhere and did they give you a cute little certificate for your wall? I mean come on, let’s be real here… you put them on or in and you take them off or out ..  this is not rocket science guys and in my opinion there is no talent, skill or knowledge required to operate many of the absolutely ridiculous things I see “expert” sitting beside in some of the profiles out there! How does one become an expert at receiving a massage? You mastered the fine art of laying down flat and not getting up until it is over?  Wow!! I am soooooo impressed!  LOL!!   
   
When I see expert status next to things like that…. I think to myself .. “this is an insecure, clueless little man that has a need to try and make himself seem more important and desirable by popping “expert” next to as many things as he possibly can”.  I find it sad and pathetic actually and it truly has turned me off some otherwise interesting profiles. So I would like to maybe not so politely suggest to you that you give some thought to the things you are checking off and ask yourself what you REALLY know about a particular subject and is that a talent that you really feel requires or deserves “expert” skill and training in?   Incidentally, even with over 12 years experience as a professional dominant, I thought long and hard before I added “expert” next to any of my interests because I know that there are many people more knowledgeable than I am on any given subject and I am grateful that there will always be something I can learn about everything I love to do and then some. I never want to stop learning and growing and improving myself and my skills and many “experts” I know think they know it all.  
   
Ok .. I am done ranting for the moment and I am going to put my controversial and opinionated little switch self to bed now.. have a nice night. Suzanne