Suzanne SxySadist’s Personal Blog

A few words about checklists and interests - I have been playing with the check lists of interests on Collar Me (a kink dating site) a bit but it is really tough sometimes to go through them and give quantitative responses to things without the context of who is doing it and what their skill level, demeanor or intention is when they are doing it. 

There are so many things that I can enjoy under the “right” circumstances and with the “right” incentive depending on who is doing it and why, that I would not even consider tolerating from someone I do not trust or respect.  (and I must know in my heart I am respected and deeply cared for as well.) Face slapping and humiliation for example can be very hot and sexy in the heat of a moment and likely to send me into a rage in others. The questions is: “How good are you at reading the moment?  And can you admit when you read it wrong and handle or navigate the ensuing “storm”?” 

Part of what I enjoy most about the work of David Deida is how he explains the differences between masculine and feminine essences.  The feminine reacts to constantly shifting emotions which the masculine rarely understands fully, and the feminine can rarely comprehend how the masculine doesn’t just “know” how she feels intuitively the way she can easily read others. Opposites definitely attract and the more extreme the attraction, usually the more tendencies there is for heat, passion and fireworks as well as occasional storms and disagreements!     

Neutrality is bland, boring and predictable. I crave passion in my life and my love but my man needs to understand that trying to completely control a passionate feminine essence is like trying to control the ocean. If you can’t navigate your way around or through a storm or two now and then, you had better man the lifeboats!  

Happy Global Orgasm Day to All!!  What?  You haven’t heard of Global Orgasm Day!!??  Well, please go to Global Orgasm  and check out the who, what, why info and join me in this very worthy and highly enjoyable mission! I personally plan to spend much of the day dedicating erotic energy to healing the earth, those around me and myself. Namaste~

A list of some of my favourite non scene related things, in no particular order and I will add more as the mood strikes and they come to mind.  

Bubble baths / hot tubs especially by candle light (hell I like most anything by candle light)

Nude beaches in the summer time - I love to lay in the surf and let the water wash over me.  I grew up on the south shore of Long Island and still try to make it to “Lighthouse beach” whenever I can.

Bonsai trees – I have a small collection and some fair better than others with my hectic schedule.

Fragrances – flowers scents & essential oils like lavender, heather, frankincense & neroli but my favourite store bought perfume is Chanel #5

My musical tastes run the gambit from classic rock to new age to world music but my best loved bands / artists at the moment are Rusted Root, Dead Can Dance, The Goo goo Dolls, & Bela Fleck & the Flecktones to name a few.

I love animals and have a shih tzu and a cat. I did dog grooming for many years although you couldn’t tell by looking at mine most days.

I have an interest in many forms of massage and have taken two 100 hour professional massage courses with the Body Electric School in Oakland CA one of which was a CMT program. Although I am not licensed to practice professionally in NY I still enjoy giving and getting massage when ever I can and am told I am very damn good at it. I would also like to learn hot stone massage, Thai and Shiatsu as time goes on.

I also really enjoy learning a variety of things and have more interests than time to devote to them unfortunately. Perhaps, I need someone to help me learn to better manage my time.

Hmm .. a few more tid bits about me personally…. I am an aquarian (Jan 26th) and although I am not fanatical about placing faith in signs, I have noticed that I get on much better with some signs in general than others.

I keep a rather elaborate altar in my bedroom that has an interesting array of objects from my life that have special meaning for me. I have a particular interest in / fascination with statues of  dieties like Quan Yin, Buddah, Shiva, Shakti, Kali and happy dancing Ganesh (which of course is why I had to add this little fellow)   

Ok, that’s enough for now, perhaps I will go grab one of those books I have been meaning to get to forever. More soon!  

I have had a few people inquire about my mention of the work of David Deida, the reason for my interest in it and how it relates to the lifestyle so I thought it might be helpful for me to write a bit about it. First let me say that I do not claim to be an expert of his teachings and I of course (as we all do) have filtered what I have heard from him through my own life experiences and perspectives, so my retelling of what I have gleaned from it is naturally biased that way. I have held onto the bits that speak to me and let go of much of what didn’t. Anyone that is really curious about his work should investigate it themselves by Googling his name.    
   
First, some thoughts on Taoism since I feel he has drawn some of his explanation of sexual polarity from the concepts of yin and yang. (Which I also do not claim to be expert on, by the way.  Have I disclaimered this enough yet?) J Ok Suze, get on with it.  
   
The theory of yin and yang teaches us that the universe and everything in it is made up of opposing but complimentary forces that are often not set in absolute black & white values, but vary by degree based on one another like so many shades of grey.  Let’s take hot and cold for example. A 65 degree temperature may be pretty warm compared to freezing but it is quite cool when compared to boiling. Just as light and dark vary depending on how far up the grey scale your present perspective is coming from.  
   
These forces are also cyclical in nature meaning that one gives rise to the other and so forth. Night and day are ambiguous at best at sunrise or sunset because of the rise and fall or a dance between these forces where one is always giving rise to the other. You cannot have one with out it’s compliment but unlike “good and evil” which imply judgment, these forces generally strive to reach a balance point that allows for harmony. Life and death are perhaps less ambiguous although I have met more than a few people that may as well be dead for the amount of living they are actually doing, but that is inappropriate because it implies judgment on my part. Anyway, you get the idea.  
   
Also, each of these elements has the seed of the other within it just as the yin yang symbol itself illustrates. Nothing is purely one thing or another because the interplay of the elements always allows for a little of it’s reciprocal to dwell within it.  
   
Let’s look at masculine / feminine & dominant / submissive dynamics for a moment. To begin with, Deida has helped me to understand masculine & feminine better in terms of energy rather than gender and that each person on earth contains both of these energies in them to one degree or the other.  Generally, men have a more masculine essence and women have more feminine but not always and I feel that this is especially prevalent in female dominant / male submissive relationships where the woman displays more of the “traditional masculine” qualities of being in control and setting the coarse of things while the male submissive is more passive and defers to her leadership in the relationship.  
   
For the most part and to further illustrate these dynamics, masculine energy tends to be more dominant, purposeful and focused than feminine energy, which tends to be more passive, fluid, and emotional.  There are dozens of adjectives or qualities that are assigned yin or yang distinction and while I know that many people would take objection with the concept of being labeled one or the other the truth is we all have these qualities with in us and can generally draw from our masculine or feminine (aka yin / yang energies) depending on the circumstance.  Even the most sexually submissive person can exhibit very dominant tendencies when the situation calls for it, like in their professional life for example and people who are very dominant in other areas of their life can at times enjoy taking a more passive role in the bedroom as a break from being the one in control all the damn time, sort of like a mini vacation. (I’d say the majority of my clients fall into that category).  
   
However, I believe that at a core sexual level we are generally far more one or the other. Our life experiences, learning and proclivities, of course shape how well we have developed or learned to express these dynamics but sex is very primal in nature and I feel that our core sexual identity rarely changes much over time and usually in our fantasies we either envision ourselves as being the one in control, thereby “leading the dance” or ravishing our partner, or the one being “captured”, ravished or being “done to”.  While some of us may on occasion enjoy entertaining fantasies of being in the other role, I think most of us find we are most sexually turned on by being on our more “natural” side of the fence with the right reciprocal partner.  
   
It is of course possible to have a sexual essence that is not in keeping with the way we conduct much of the rest of our lives because sexuality allows us to express our inner desires and “exercise our demons” in an intimate and (hopefully) safe setting so that for example, someone that may exhibit far more dominant traits out in the world is able to relax into “their feminine” and enjoy the feeling of surrender with a trusted partner and vice verse.  
   
One of the questions that Deida would pose to an individual in helping them to determine whether they are more masculine or feminine in nature (again not male / female gender wise but energetically on a masculine or feminine level and without judgment) is:  If you had to choose between accomplishing what you feel you were put on this earth to do so that you could die complete OR finding the most fulfilling and loving relationship of your life and living happily ever after… which would it be?  For many people this is a very easy choice.  Since the masculine essence is often drawn to a sense of purpose and accomplishment, they would lean towards the first choice whereas the feminine heart seeks and is driven love first and foremost and often on a devotional level leading to self sacrifice to make sure the needs of their partner are met.    
   
In this day and age however where women are being encouraged to seek out careers and find a sense of purpose and men are being called upon to exhibit more traditionally feminine qualities of openness and nurturing in relationships, the choice has become harder for many and it has lead to a great deal of confusion in communication and polarity since it is opposites that generally attract the strongest.  
   
Society and the roles we play as men & women in it are far different than they were in the 50s and prior to it for example in that the wife / woman is no longer the traditional stay-at-home mom while the husband / man goes out into the world to do “battle” and bring home the bacon.  We both have jobs either due to economic reasons, personal preference, a sense or purpose or whatever and the traditional feminine responsibilities of keeping the home and childcare must be shared between the sexes. In some ways this is progress and in others it has lead to a lot of problems with in relationships.  Women have much more say in financial matters, (Hell if I earned it, I better have a say in how it gets spent). They are also more vocal about their sexual needs and desires (It’s not all about you guys, sorry!)  And men that would prefer to have final say and a great deal of areas that were traditionally their realm often find opinionated feminine independence to be a thorn in their side or at least more challenging than they would like.  
   
I personally have found that many very dominant masculine men (especially some of the ones I have met on this site) are not attracted to strong, independent women who clearly have their own sense of purpose in life and are unable or do not want to lay down their own sense of identity, needs and desires to serve the man’s every need on his terms. As they say, it is a brave new world out here and communication, negotiation and being fully self aware and able to express your needs and wants are key I determining compatibility.   
   
Ok .. that’s enough for now .. I may add to or revise bits of this in the next week or so but this was what was on my mid this afternoon.   
   
Namaste’ (in short meaning as I understand it: I recognize and honor the Divine within you)  
   
Suzanne  

I enter the candle lit dungeon and see him standing in the shadows, waiting for me. He has promised to make this day, our third anniversary as lovers, partners and soul mates very special for both of us. Moving closer, I kneel at his feet, then gaze up into his eyes and silently tell him all that is in my heart. He can see my adoration and devotion. He can see right into my very soul. He reaches for my hand and pulls me to my feet, then embraces me. He caresses my cheek delicately, then kisses me with intense passion and smiles. “I love you” he says, “and tonight I want you to suffer for me more than you ever have before.” My heart skips a beat and I feel a warm, fluttery tingle rush through my body that turns my insides to liquid. I know in my heart that I want nothing in the world as much as I want to please him tonight and for the rest of my days.

He slips cuffs onto my wrists and binds my arms overhead to chains. Running his hands lightly all over my naked flesh, he warms my skin with his touch, and yet I shiver slightly in anticipation of what is to come. I know and love that he is a sadist, and that torturing me excites him. Yet he is also the most loving man I have ever known, and his gift of pain is one that I cherish whole-heartedly. He strokes my hair gently away from my face, then slips on the hood. The world goes dark and is filled with the scent of leather, as the rest of my senses come alive. I hear soft music and the rustle of flogger tresses, as he selects them from a wall filled with implements of pleasure and pain. I feel a cool breeze on my skin, but my mostly I feel myself slipping into sweet submission. I cannot see him, but I feel his presence as he moves about the room and then is standing right behind me. He moves closer to me, cupping his hands over my breasts and my heart, then lets me feel his body against mine. He is naked now too, and I can tell that his body is deliciously alive and can feel excitement growing within us both. I gasp softly and wriggle against him, letting him know I am ready for anything he wants, anything at all.

He steps back and I hear a soft whoosh through the air… then feel the meaty thump of a thick deerskin flogger on my back. I let my head drop forward and allow the sensation to fill me. Moments later, whoosh whump! Harder this time. I feel my breath leave my chest, I feel a warmth on my back, I feel myself becoming moist, and I feel myself slipping deeper. The flogging continues, gradually building then ebbing, then building again as time passes slowly, like a dream. Heavier floggers massage my body all over, elk, moose, bull, intermingled with deer and even rabbit. My body responds to each stroke, I sway and move with the force of the stronger blows and reach out to take in the lighter caresses. Soon the stingy braided cats begin to turn up the heat to a fevered pitch. My skin is on fire and he cools me with a touch of his hand. I am conscious but floating. He is reading my body and weaving a beautiful tapestry of diverse sensations. He is an artist and I am his canvas, awaiting his magic touch to bring out and create a kind of beauty that only he can.The room goes suddenly silent, the air expectant, I draw a breath and hold it. An incredibly loud snap, like a gunshot fills the air and I feel a puff of air like a breath from a living thing, whisper across my ass. My knees grow weak but my bound wrists keep me upright. The signal whip is fluid and alive in his hand, like an extension of his touch. He reaches right through it and alternates between soft touches, and pinches, kisses and bites. Moving easily around me, my entire body is a target, open and waiting, wanting and needing his sweet and sadistic attentions. He lays a deeper stroke across my ass, I cry out in pain. He brushes my nipples so gently with the fluff of the cracker, then flicks one of them viciously. Suddenly I feel his lips on that sweet tender nipple, a gentle kiss. I purr with delight, then gasp and purr some more.

He steps close to me again and kisses my lips sweetly, then moves the cuff clips much lower down on the chains. I had not even realized how tired my arms were. They feel almost like lead as the circulation begins to return and I shake them slightly to move it along and help the tingling subside. He runs his hands warmly over my skin, feeling the new textures left by his ministrations, feeling heat in some places, coolness in others. He removes the hood, looks deeply into my eyes then kisses me again. He tells me I am beautiful when I am suffering for him and my whole being just lights up with joy. Then he tells me he loves me, but he doesn’t have to say it for me to know that it’s true. I can see it in the way he looks at me even as he torments my body. I can feel it with every cell of my being, and every moment we spend together only serves to make me love him more. He looks deeply into my eyes again and takes a slow deep breath. I draw one too and soon we are lost for a moment, sharing a breath, our eyes and hearts locked in time.I know what is coming next, and I shift my feet a little from side to side then bend just slightly at the waist and continue taking slow deliberate breaths.

He reaches for a cane and I close my eyes. Then I draw a very deep breath, smile and wait. The cane sings through the air and connects with my flesh, sending a white hot flash ripping across my ass. I let out my breath with a loud hiss, and seconds later an incredibly delicious heat spreads like a wave through my entire body. I smile and moan lustfully while wiggling my ass for him, letting him know that was a good one. My breathing slows again and I draw deeply and hold: swish… SNAP! Again, fire blazes and I release the breath with a bit of a scream this time, then await the sweet warmth that always follows closely behind the initial lightning flash. Each time he generously allows me time to process the stroke before, waiting for me to draw that deep breath, signaling that I am ready for another, which he will lovingly deliver. The canes strokes continue steadily, impossible to count. I float away, unaware of time, space, or pain. The world outside this space we share no longer exists. I am aware of nothing at all but my breathing, and the heat building on the surface and inside my body, and that he is with me.He knows me like no one ever has, knows my body, my heart and my soul. He knows I would do my best to do anything he asked of me and endure anything I possibly could for him. He knows that I adore him and I know that he feels the same way. I have never known love as deeply as I do with him. A love that goes far beyond physical aspects of lust and pleasure, a love that transcends pain, but that can use it as a vehicle to reach higher ad higher connections of body, spirit and soul. A love, that can and will endure anything at all.

He delivers 5 or 6 very rapid stingy strokes and I cry out, unable to process them as pleasurable that quickly. My breathing becomes ragged, he delivers several more fast, harder strokes, I struggle to hang on. He presses himself against me from behind and reminds me how much this excites him. I buck against him, wanting him so badly I can nearly taste it, but he just teases me, then steps back and canes me some more.

He wants to push me now. He wants to see how far he can take me, how long will I endure for him past the point of pleasure. He picks up a heavier cane, and delivers an even harder stroke. I try not to scream. I bite down on my lip and swallow the pain. My breathing is loud and faster. Each exhale is accompanied by the sting of a cane, each stroke with more force than the one before. My ass is screaming as I writhe and dance to the rhythm he is creating. The endorphins in my body have been able to keep me aloft for hours but now I am growing weary. I feel I may have reached a plateau, but I don’t want it to end until he is ready to let it. I want so badly to serve and please him. To let him take me as far as he wishes and make him proud of me. I want to make his dreams come true, now and always.He moves his next set of strokes to my inner thighs. I struggle not to cry out in agony but those just feel so brutal. My instincts tell me to pull away but my soul tells me to offer them willingly. I spread my legs a little further and offer him that tender flesh. “Please, please let me hang on just a little more.”

I beg silently for the strength to endure but I feel it slipping away from me. I fight back the inevitable tears but slowly they begin to creep down my cheeks, and he sees them. He stops for a moment and touches my face, gently catching one tear with his finger. “Baby, don’t hold back, you know how much I love your tears” He kisses me again and raises the cane. An indescribable feeling of release washes through my body as the next cane stroke sails through the air then connects with my most delicate of areas, sending me into convulsive sobbing. Not an unhappy sobbing but more like a joyous liberation and catharsis. He continues for several more strokes on my ass, thighs and breasts, helping me to ride out the waves as they crash through my body and then he stops and uncuffs me.We sink to the floor together with him holding me and then he wraps me tightly in his arms as I continue to sob and let my tear filled face lay upon his chest. He takes my face by the chin, brings my lips to his, and kisses me so deeply I feel as if I have melted into him. In many ways, I have.

We have shared sides of ourselves with each other, which most people would never understand and found acceptance and trust. He has pushed me willingly to the furthest reaches on my physical and emotional endurance and trusted that I would not think him a monster for his sadistic desires to see me suffer for his enjoyment. And I completely trusted that no matter how far he decided to push me, he would not harm me or think me weak or subservient in my desire to submit totally to him. We have bared our secret demons for each other and they have brought us closer together than ever before.

We will go down to the bedroom now, not as a Master and a slave, nor a Dom and a sub, but as a man and a woman, equals in every way. We both know that we have shared something truly special, something even many long time “scene” couples never really find. We didn’t just play, we made love in the most intense and intimate way. The heat of my bruised and welted skin, and the fires that the evening fanned inside each of us, will add to the energy that we create and share in together for the rest of the night. We will make love passionately, over and over again, until we fall asleep in each other’s loving arms.Then tomorrow night, perhaps it will be my turn to let my sadistic desires take control as he offers himself up to me to do with as I please. To relish his suffering for my pleasure, to delight in his pain and his tears, and to adore him for loving me the way he does, no mater which of us holds the whip.