Suzanne SxySadist’s Personal Blog

Ohh … what a simply glorious day I’ve had today! Oh? You say … sounding curious?  (Ok maybe you didn’t, but you’re stuck playing along with me anyway unless you clicked close already, so I shall just get on with my little exuberant meandering with outbursts of glee and mirth!) 

Ok, so just what made it such a truly spectacular day, you are now no doubt wondering. Well I am glad you ask and I will tell you but need to warn you .. it may take awhile.   The short version is: “I simply stopped and noticed again how deeply blessed I truly am, and in so many ways! And not just once but ALL Damn Day!!! So much so that I can scarely know where to begin!!

First let me say, I barely slept a wink last night (which may explain the sleep deprived nature of tonight’s blog offering).  Be that as it may, last night, my long (20 years or so) dearly departed poetic Muse showed up quite unexpectedly and basically demanded to have her say. The Nerve! That bitch just wouldn’t go away!! I birthed several different drafts tween 2 and 6 am  (interspersed with bouts of senseless tossing and turning).  Two of them I am more than just a bit delighted with, and perhaps I will share one here soon.  But then, when that was done, I was so pumped and primed (and dare I say a bit turned on) that I could not easily find slumber.

So I read for awhile about courtesans, and lust and longing.  And I savoursed the “want” as a sweet sort of bliss all its own as I lay there hungry, turning each exquisite page. See, I have learned that sometimes it is the unfed desire that is the sweetest to embrace and taste. Later on this morning in fact, I shared a  rather sexy call with a special friend. A man for whom I openly and boldly lust, for he does not let me call his shots.  I am sooo not in control of him or anything even remotely resembling his dang shots in fact, that I have begged him to use me in the substantial heat of some quite exquisite moments  and he has consistantly kept me wanting. But oohh how I love to suffer in bondage for that sweet sadist!  Last night / this morning, as I penned one of those two poems for him the knowledge bloomed in me, that his unrequited lust and hunger drive me delightfully dizzy. (yeah yeah OK even more than usual).  

See, (let me try to explain this briefly at the risk of wandering way off topic) I learned at a very early age that it is the girl who knows if he’ll get laid  or not (baring date rape scenarios, too much booze or equally bad lapses in judgement).  Men NEVER say no to sex.  PERIOD.  Write it down and file it away as Gospel. Well, umm Ok, let’s say the VAST majority of healthy adult men not wrestling with morality, marriage or chastity issues would not say no to sex with a vibrant sexy (or so I still like to believe) wet and not just compliant but pleading woman.  And yet, he has, repeatedly.  <long incredulous pause>   This totally makes me nucking futz!!  And I simply adore him for it!   That and he is the most exquisitly sexy artist who has ever laid rope upon my flesh.  (insert growly, snarling feral sounds here) And of course I want what I know I may not ever have. Blah blah blah Boo h00!

Ok .. so let’s get back to finding the exquisite joy and abundantly blessed part of all this horniness and doubt.  We have established that he’s frigging hot and that he sure as hell knows how to get and keep me hot on a consistant basis, so there is this pure almost crystaline experience of lust and longing that he has been providing me  for the slightly more than 2 years I’ve known him. How rare a jewel is that?!  All that sweet hormonal soup that provides the new relationship rush like a drug,  generally wears off in fairly short order. We see each other infrequently enough that it has been kept not just on tap but on a slow simmer.  I still get giddy as a school girl around this man and it takes me hours and several shopping trips to plan for a warddrobe that I will still be fretting about the morning he hops the train north. I, who is used to being the one in control, lose every semblence there of not just while he’s with me.. but throughout the prepping stages. He pops me into a tailspin from the moment we set a date and I did I mention that I totally adore him for it!!

Heavens above!! To be all consumed with that sort of passion and desire .. HELL ANY sort of PASSION & DESIRE  is an AMAZING & WONDERFUL  when you’re in it!! But wait!  It gets better!  Because I can dive as deeply into that insane whirling,  feminine insecurity storm as I desire, with out the fear of abandonment or loss, that causes us so often to gaurd our hearts or hold ourselves back from expressing the sweet transparency of the moment.  I can be as utterly bare and honest as I have ever been to another human being and just ride out the emotional chaos that ensues. <grin>  I don’t have to feign composure. Snort! I couldn’t if I tried! Nor would I want him to miss the opportunity to exploit my vulnerable side.  (I don’t offer that side of me to many by the way. Nuff said!)  So where was I .. ohh yes .. on that distinctly electrifying thrill of the roller coaster ride without a real fear of falling from grace.  I know I shall always call him friend, perhaps lover as well,  so there is nothing we can lose. 

Oh and have I mentioned lately that I’m madly in love with My Brett, who is the answer to the deepest wish my thrill seeking heart could make… the safe harbor it calls home. The one that truly knows me and loves me in spite of myself. I love him more than any man I have ever known and pray I never give him cause to doubt it because I feel amazingly lucky  that he is so understanding and allows me the opportunity to ride roller coasters with Mac but come home to him at night. :)  He is my Prince Charming! The one that I am so in love with and who meets all my needs for affection, emotional security and so much more.  That and ohhh my God how that guy makes me laugh!  :D I truly am able to have my cake and eat it too!   Ohhh my, so off track .. but then not really, for I am still listing my blessings of which he is no small part! 

So I think where I want to bring this next is to say that I feel there is the potential for joy in so many more moments than we ever allow ourselves.  When I am “awake”(*see below) I can find satisfaction, sometimes even bliss both in the “craving, want or desire” as well as the lack there of.  I can close my eyes and be carried away on the rapture of desiring something so much in the moment that it doesn’t matter really whether I get it or not since I am relishing the joyful feelings the desire brings me just the same!   Does that make any sense at all? Heck, sometimes the dream actually turns out to be better than reality anyway. No one can choreograph it exactly the same as you - bliss! 

One more fast example - A random peak experience from my files - I remember vividly even though it several years ago; me on the back of a “cool” bike, with my arms wrapped around someone I care for very much. We took twisty back roads on a perfect summer day and I experienced the ride in a way I never could in a car;  the smell of cut grass, and bar be ques, kids playing in the yard, or pool, clips from favorite summer songs, the sunlight through the trees, my shadow on the ground beside me, the warm sun on my back, cool breeze on my face and in my hair.  I clamped my thighs tightly and closed my eyes .. holding my arms out to the sides and I swear.. I flew for a long while. 

Ohh and by the way, that could have been any road, anywhere in the world, Paris, or Athens or Tahiti or any other place I could possibly dream of going.  I could have been rich and on an expensive cruiseship sailing the caribean to my own private island and I do not think I could have felt any more “blissed out” than I was on the back of that bike experiencing summer with all of those people that we passed that day.  I like just finding bliss like that  because I didn’t have to cut the grass, or eat the ribs  to have enjoyed them!  I really like recreating it too because even now years later, if I close my eyes, my mouth could water at the memory, so I can enjoy it again and again. Rapture is a place worth visiting often trust me.

But then there are the “ah ha!”  thunderbolt moments when I look around and realize that I have everything I really need right this moment to simply be filled with bliss.  Self actualized bliss in fact!  (Ok that rarely lasts for long because the gremlins or some other pressing real world matter crawl in and demands attention) but even if only for a few moments at a time I love to find those simple quiet blisses that can come when you recognize the simple abscence of desire. Some folks believe that desire is the root of all suffering.  Ok maybe, but, I am also one of those sick phreaks that sometimes finds bliss by embracing suffering, (and staying horny), so what do I know? 

Hmm, I know how easy it is sometimes to let “want” stand in the way of simply allowing happy. Our society promotes, the constant need to feed, consume, have, buy, collect, improve!  And when we don’t we digress in stress, and fret about bills, or bosses, ex wives, politics, world wars,  our weight, hair loss, insert your brand of constant misery here.  I have a mile long list myself but the truth be told more often than not, worrying will not actually do anything to help.  Devising a plan and taking specific action might perhaps, if the Universe and circumstances allow… but actually just sitting and worrying.. not so much. 

But how many times a day can you check inside and say, “right now, in this very moment, there is nothing that I NEED that I do not already have to simply be content?”.  Happy is not a far reach from there, I find that sometimes if I am quiet I can simply allow the flow. 

Like now for instance. I am warm and fed and not awfully sick for the first time in days! I have a cup of warm tea beside me, my favorite jammies on my butt and a cat purring against my leg.  Most of my bills are paid but even if they weren’t I have all I truly need at the moment, an operational flush toilet in the house, and enough juice to run my laptop (I guess the internet connection isn’t too bad either in case I want to actually finish and post this at some point).  Ohh and I have some amazing tunes playing in the back ground as I am contentedly pouring out my thoughts to the one person who has stuck with me through all of this (who ever you are).  <grin> Doesn’t matter really, because I know that I am truly loved by at least a few people, (myself even some days).  :D And most days I truly love my life. and especially right now, in this very moment. There is not one damn thing that I need to feel … (wait .. slight position change.. ahh) … better than I feel right now.  And I think that the more often I consciously allow these moments just to be perfect as they are.. the happier I will ever be. Yeah yeah.. I know that is ohh so frigging Polly Anna! But it is working like mad for me tonight and I had many of those moments today… even though it was really just an ordinary day. 

I hope you find that too … that ordinary sort of bliss… and on that note .. I shall bid you sweet dreams.

(*) “awake” as opposed to asleep of course for those who missed my sleep deprived reference:

It is never fun to be sick, but it especially sucks to be sick on your birthday and yet it was a cozy day spent mostly in bed being pampered and looked after by my favorite guy (who was also feeling under the weather but has a selfless, self sacrificing service oriented streak as wide as they come).

He naturally baked me a cake. It was beautiful! Yellow cake w/ butter cream frosting and pretty yellow & white sugar flowers all over it. He also made me one of my favorite dinners: and irish lamb stew that is absolutely to die for. The recipe is on his blog.

Lots of other folks called & emailed and sent flowers. Mmm I love flowers. My dear friend the incomparable Lady Catherine (who’s birthday happens to be tomorrow) even called and sang to me!! I cannot tell you how special THAT was!! And it seemed there was one email card after another in my box and loads of “Happy Birthday” graphics and greetings popping up on MySpace and Facebook.

In short.. I may have been feeling sick … but I was also feeling VERY well loved! Thank you to everyone who remembered me on my special day. I am heading back to bed so that I can be well enough to go skiing as planned this coming weekend to REALLY celebrate and have some fun! Hugs to all!!

After the last few weeks of holiday and other stress filled insanity, my sweetheart Brett felt that I really needed a stress-free, fun and totally relaxing weekend, and he helped deliver one of the sweetest ones I have had in a long time.  It started with him showing up Friday morning waking me gently with my favorite tea, an “I luv you” balloon, and a stunning bouquet of roses in pastel colors: pink, coral, yellow, peach & white.  I adore roses and waking to the scent filling the room is so wonderful!  He said I had not been romanced near enough lately and he intended to correct that. <grin> I do LOVE how romantic (and a tad corny) my sweetie is at times!! 

Next, that wonderful sweet sexy guy of mine crawled into bed with me and proceeded to caress, lick, kiss and make love to me for the next couple of hours.  Wow! Talk about a stress reliever! There is nothing like a string of multiple orgasms for setting things right again!  We eventually had a light lunch, spent some more time snuggling and spent the evening watching a DVD on the 6 foot projection screen in my living room while curled up on the feather mattress eating popcorn under a blanket. 

Saturday my sweetie devoted to taking care of a few household projects for me while I relaxed, chipped away at email and basically took it easy all day feeling like the Queen. That evening he took me out for a great dinner and then to the mall to see “Paul Blart - Mall Cop” which I really enjoyed because it reminded me of my retail mall days working in the bonsai shop & my mom’s travel agency.  Anyway, fun movie with a sweet love story and afterwards we went back home and snuggled up to get warm again.  

Sunday after a lazy morning, my sweetie and I slipped off to the Temple for a few hours. It started out with him helping me do some step by step photos of a pictorial cock and ball bondage tutorial I want to write so that folks who take my Binding The Jewels class can have the step by step reminder of “My classic” cock bondage tie. 

Then one thing kind of lead to another and the next thing ya know I have him deliciously tied up and at my mercy! :) Mmm I love that part and God I LOVE rope!  And ooooh did I mention that I REALLY like my boyfriend in bondage! I tied him up and started to tease him and myself.  At one point I laid him on a 6 foot long, foot and a half wide, vinyl covered board that I sometimes use on top of a couple of weight stands for mummification platform.  I wrapped a scary around his ankles and tied them (and his wrists) to my suspension frame. I dangled a buzzy toy from the frame as well and used one of my nylons tied to it and held in his teeth to give him some control over positioning and then made him work for his pleasure. It was a fabulous work out for him and a really delicious show for me!

Later on I kept him bound as we had sex in several different positions on that same bondage board. It totally turns me on on multiple levels to tie up my man and use him for sex. It is often deliciously frustrating for him because he is used to being the one in control of that portion of the sex act and when he is bound and has no use of his hands or is forced to use muscles that he rarely calls on it adds a lot of juice and tension for me. I love when he gets feral and snarly with sexual tension or frustration but he is still held captive in my rope.  OMG that is hot!  :) 

I also just love the twist of being the feminine or receptive yin partner who is actually quite in control and ”forcing” the yang partner to perform under restraint.  I am definitely not putting it into words well enough but I definitely feel it in the moment and it is amazingly hot! I also gave him some really nice cane stripes at some point that afternoon but a lot of the details were lost in a blur of endorphins and sexual frenzy.

Sunday evening was another relax at home watching movies night.  We wanted to rest up and get a good night’s sleep because we were heading to Hunter mountain to hit the slopes for a half day on Monday!  Wooohooo!  I wouldn’t dare to say I am still anything more than a novice on skis but I sure do enjoy swishing down a bunny trail now & then!  This was the first time I can honestly say I felt pretty much in control the whole time AND I didn’t fall once getting off the lift! OK well I had one little spill getting off with Brett where we sort of tangled up in a minor miscommunication but other than that one little incident I stayed on my ski clad feet the whole time! 

It was Brett’s third day ever on skis so he was still playing it pretty conservatively (smart guy) and mostly staying on the training hill and I only ventured one up from there myself but I had a blast!  I liked it so much in fact that I am seriously considering buying a starter package of skis, boots, bindings and poles but Brett is reminding me that my birthday is right around the corner (Jan 26th) and that I am a hard person to shop for because I have a tendency to run out and buy myself things without giving anyone else a chance.   :)

So yeah we made it home in one piece, he made me a fabulous lamb chop dinner and we snuggled up with another movie and fell asleep together.  I am a bit sore today but feeling really happy and well loved as I take it really easy and luxuriate in bed for a late lazy morning relishing the memories of the weekend.  I am also really looking forward to seeing my sweetheart again. He had to get back down to Long Island this morning for work but plans to be back up to see me next Friday night.  Yayy!  I hope you all had a great weekend too and that life is treating you to some wonderful adventures and lots of love as well!

Family can be a blessing but they can also be the source of major stress, heartache and misery.  I have been getting doses of both lately, and not feeling much like writing but I do know that sometimes it helps to vent a bit so here goes the shortish  (but still probably way too long) version.  Feel free to skip this one if you have better things to do than read as I vent.

Christmas itself was hectic and stressful but rather sweet. My sister and her boyfriend came down Tuesday night with my sweetie Brett and joined me and her two kids, Nadia and Adrian who as I mentioned earlier were both already here.  It had been a very long time since my sister had spent any time with both her kids at once (which is way too long and personal a story to share here) so although it was a lot of work and a lot of expense … I was really glad that I could give her that this year. 

I was also thrilled that I got to actually spend Christmas eve with my Leather family so the tradition of being woken up in the middle of the night was not broken, except this time instead of it being “daddy” that woke me up the whole household at 5 am, it was the “wee one” (who at five and a half is not  quite so small anymore) but her eyes popped open none the less around 2am (less than an hour after her folks and I had finished wrapping and stuffing the last prezzies under the tree), and these was no way in hell she was going to gop back to sleep once her eyes landed on that pile of pretty presents! So I spent the next few hours keeping her amused and occupied while we let mommy & daddy catch a few z’s. We quietly sang songs, played “I spy” as we straightened her room, watched a video and anything else I could think of to either get her tired enough to go back to sleep or simply keep her from tearing into the pile of packages.  She was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement! And then mommy & daddy finally got up! Whew!

My absolute favorite part of the holidays is watching her face when she rips open the paper and finds exactly the thing her little heart desired.  Geez, truth be told. I love everything about any time I get to spend with her because she is stilll so sweet and so loving and she is probably the greatest source of unselfish unconditional love that I have ever known. She really is an amazing kid and I truly adore her and the rest of my Leather Clan.  I don’t know what I would do without them sometimes.

Anyway, after the feeding frenzy was over I staggered back home bleary eyed and sleep deprived and crawled into my own bed.  Brett spent Christmas eve and morning on LI with his kids but planned to come back up to be with me and my family Christmas night and we were all invited back over to the Clan’s house for a delicious dinner courtesy of Daddy Myke who is an amazing cook.  After dinner, Brett and I and the rest of my holiday household finally opened our gifts because we (OK maybe mostly I) wanted to wait for Brett to do presents.  It was totally worth the wait! Santa was pretty good to me this year! He brought me a wonderful new laptop and I am VERY excited that my sweetheart has promised to take me on a Disney cruise in March!  Woohooo! 

All in all I think we all had a good holiday.  I was sorry that Brett had to do so much driving to be able to spend time with his family and with me but things will get better in that area next year.  As I said earlier, my sister and her boyfriend seemed to have a really nice time and the kids seemed to enjoy themselves too, so that part was totally worth it.  Thankfully!  I am not overly fond of having my house full of people for extended periods and 7 people is a lot to house and feed!  I had honestly also feared stressful re-enactments of the life long sibling rivalry between the kids, but they actually seemed to get along pretty damn good for the most part.  Sis and her partner stayed 3 nights / 4 days and then I  drove them back down to the island on Friday/  I took the kids with me so that they could visit some friends while I trekked out to check on and spend a bit of time with my dad.

That is never really easy or comfortable. We definitely have a very long history of love / hate drama as well as a lot of emotional / physical abuse that we have never really cleared. These days we only speak to each other a couple of times a year at best.  To make matters worse I almost always either feel a bit ill with anxiety and stress as our visits approach and or feel guilty about not making seeing him more of a priority. (If I was a good daughter I wouyld forgive the crotchedy old bastard and move on right? Or so the voice in my head tells me)  It also loves to remind me that he probably won’t be around that much longer and if we don’t mend our bridges now, we may never get the chance to do so, so I will get to go to my own grave with all these unresolved “daddy issues” but then again who doesn’t right?  Geez that sounds cynical.

Anyway, as if that isn’t enough, it actually freaks me out a little these days to see how old he looks. He has always been as strong as an ox and as stubborn as a mule and he could strike terror into my heart with just a look my whole life but these days he looks old, and heavy and tired when I see him and it’s almost like I grew up with a different person. Like maybe some of it was a bad dream or maybe I just had an over active imagination cause he looks too old and feeble to be the boogie man I remember. Bleh! There are a lot of ghostly skeletons and emotional scars there.. I think I’ll just close that door again for a bit.

On a more pleasant note, I really enjoyed seeing and spending time with Nadia.  She ended up staying 2 weeks and it was really lovely to get to know her again. We took an afternoon to go check out the Vanderbilt mansion and got this photo taken and I also took some very hot pics of her “hanging out in her aunt’s dungeon” as she wrote on her MySpace page where she posted them.  I am adding one of those here also.

She grew up to be a beautiful and very intelligent young lady.  I hadn’t seen either of my sister’s kids much as they spent the last 4 years or so in foster care on Long Island, but she really made up her mind to go ahead and do something with her life anyway.  She did a couple of semesters at Hofstra and actually got trained as an EMT and then has spent the last year or so in NJ attending Job Corps to become a certified nursing assistant.  Next year she plans to continue on with her training as an LPN but there seems to be an issue with where she is going to stay in the interim.  I’ll come back to that in a bit. 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Adrian moved up here and in with me about mid Oct after getting bounced out of the Marine Corps during boot camp and dumped in Florida without a pot to piss in.  He called me up collect asking for help and hell, he’s my sister’s child and his only other choice was to go back to foster care which he really didn’t want to do.  He was convinced he was ready to try to make it on his own so I offered him a rent free room in the basement with the understanding that it was temporary, that he had to cover his own expenses and that it wasn’t going to cost me much to have him here.  Well as an unskilled and rather unmotivated “skater punk” it took him over a month to get a job .. any job. 

He finally landed a part time seasonal gig at one of the “cool kids” clothing shops in the mall but at the height of the season, the busiest retail month of the year the most they put him on for was 25 hours.  Which the way I see it gave him plenty of time to look for another job or take a class in something that might help him get a better job (I offered to help pay for a class at BOCES but he wasn’t interested). Nope, he wasn’t really interested in doing much of anything that I could see other than hanging at the mall, chatting on-line to his Pilipino “girlfriend” and skate boarding.

He would do stuff around here to help me onlywhen I specifically asked him too but he simply would not take any initiative unless I stuck a boot up his ass (and trust me I have some seriously nice boots!)  At one point he was offered $12.00 an hour off the books to go spend a day raking leaves and doing yard work for a good friend of mine… he turned it down. A few times when it snowed up here I suggested that he could make some money if he borrowed one of my snow shovels and went out and strolled the neighborhood a bit shovelling sidewalks for some of the ederly and such.  He refused, I am fed up.

My utility bills all sky rocketed in the last two months since he was here and he was into me for over $600.00 that I had laid out to get him here and settled and it pissed me off beyond belief that he would rather lay up here all day long playing Xbox than to go out and at least try to make a few bucks to help out.  Not even a half assed attempt.  I didn’t sign on for this. 

To top it off, I was informed by his case worker that they intended to “vacate the permanancy hearing” or in simpler terms, close his case this week and leave him no exit strategy for going back into foster care, so if it wasn’t going to work out, now was the time to do something.  So I did. I told him he had to leave.  He borrowed money from my house mate and got on a bus today bag and baggage to go back down to LI where he can still be considered for assistance until 21 (whereas here in Dutchess, he is considered an adult). 

I am really hurting over this decision because I truly wanted to help him but it gets on my last nerve when he refuses to help himself and I do not have the time, patience or desire to coddle or enable him.  I have been crying off and on for two days .. and I just don’t know what to do. 

So I have as usual decided to throw myself into work so that I do not have to sit here and dwell on all these feelings I can’t do anything about.  I spent the last 2 days or so writing html code and creating graphics for my NiteFlirt listings. That is kind of fun. I like teasing out the seperate personas and creating the artwork by selecting just the right photos and drafting text to express that aspect of myself. So far it is not really paying off much.  Calls have been slow this week but I have not been investing a ton of money in the “click advertising”. Hopefuly that will improve soon.  I could really use the distraction.  I got a few great calls last night and my little cocksucking slut Tim called me tonight with some excuse why he couldn’t complete his last assignment.  Oy! Men!

So getting back to Nadia; my totally adorable, and way hot lilniece, who is in between certificate programs at Job Corps and asking me if she could come stay here for awhile until she gets on her feet. I need a week or so to think about this.  I know she is far more employable than my nephew but, I am feeling a bit burned at the moment and definitely emotionally drained.  I love them both but it is hard enough living with teenagers that you raised yourself, living with someone else’skids is definitely a trip and I am not really sure I want to go there again, but she pleads so pretty. I will keep you posted… in the meantime I think I may crawl off to the bath and soak the day away.  If ever there was a day I needed that, it’s today. 

Ohh and one last thing … I want to send a special belated birthday shout out to my pay Miss Troy Orleans who’s birthday was Saturday the 10th!  I miss you honey and I hope someone is treating you extra damn special right now, you totally deserve it.  Much love!