Suzanne SxySadist’s Personal Blog

So several folks have asked me to post about my Shibaricon adventures and to be honest I wasn’t sure I was ready to process a particular part of it just yet.. but here goes. First a little background.

When Nelson and I parted more than 4 years ago there was a period of it that we were still in touch and working on evolving our relationship back into a friendship. It wasn’t always easy, we had a lot of history in the way and I had quite a lot of broken trust and anger about it but I never stopped loving him and part of me never accepted that we were done.  Hell there is probably a part of me that still hasn’t accepted it fully.

Anyway, I had loaned him somethings like over a $1000 worth of massage DVDs & videos that he wanted to copy and said he would return. I sent him my custom made pair of 3 foot signal whips that he was going to help me break in (he was truly amazing at Florentine work). I also sent him my first batch of “real” rope that I ever bought because he had told me he wanted to borrow it to do a photo shoot. At the time that he told me that he had been out of photography for a few years and I was delighted to hear he was going back to it.. he was so talented and had such a great eye and it made me sad to think he had given it up. Well, I boxed it all up and sent it off to him and he naturally promised to return it as soon as he was through. He was always good at promising things, just not great at keeping them.

That is going to sound especially like sour grapes considering he got sick or made me aware that he was sick not too long after that. He never smoked cigarettes or did any kind of drugs in his life and he turned up with a cancerous mass in his neck. I only know bits and pieces of the story from there. Partially because he was not very forthcoming with info, (he never was any good at delivering bad news) and honestly because there was a part of me that couldn’t deal with it after losing my mom to cancer so I didn’t press for a lot of details. He decided to do an all natural healing approach. Healthy juice regimes and positive energy work and he seemed to be doing better for awhile. Then he had good weeks and bad weeks and promised several times that the “box was in the mail” but I felt really bad harassing him about my “stuff” when he had so much else going on.

But still, I missed him and wanted to see him. We planned for me to visit him in Asheville again but the plans fell through.  I got the impression he really wasn’t up for the visit so I begged out and said we would wait until he was feeling better.  That day never came.  He passed on last summer. His most recent partner Denise was the one that wrote to let me know. We talked one night shortly after for over an hour and we laughed and cried and shared our experiences of Nelson and at some point in the conversation she promised to send me my things as well as some of his ashes.  I was stunned that she would be so generous.  Then life got in the way for quite awhile and we lost touch.  Two other friends of mine, Honey & Stan, that I know from Shibaricon live in the same area as Denise and offered to play liaison in getting those things back to me. I was delighted to get an email from Honey saying she had the videos and my rope and the whips (which had actually not turned up when last I spoke to Denise so that was a sweet surprise).

Thursday night during the meet & greet and Shibaricon Brett and I were busily greeting a lot of my fellow rope loving friends when Honey & Stan arrived and invited us up to their room.  They let me open the suitcase on the floor and it was filled with treasures! All of my natural and red colored jute from “Japan Rope” was there.  That is the rope that made me truly fall in love with bondage. I love the smell and the feel and the soft sheen of it and I am so happy to have it back. And my whips!  Still as stiff as a board but I am thrilled to hold them again! There was also all of the videos I loaned to Nelson including a very expensive set of deep tissue massage DVDs as well as a huge pile of BDSM porn videos that belonged to Nelson.  A Lot of heavy whipping and smoking fetish vids.  I sat on the floor for what seemed like a long time, letting memories flood back as I picked up and smelled my rope, let the whips slide through my hands, poked the the case full of videos looking at all the titles. A lot of memories and associated feelings: gratitude, joy, guilt, grief, sadness, and more. I started to pull myself together so I could let them get back to enjoying their evening and they asked me to sit down for one more surprise.

Honey handed me a beautiful butterfly carved puzzle box that was wrapped in a mini karada and told me that it contained some of Nelson’s ashes. I burst into tears and hugged them both and Brett. They also gave me another beautiful box that contained the ashes of someone whose name they could not remember but that had been a very special teacher to Nelson.  I completely understand this gesture because I have had people that have been as instrumental in my life as well but wish I had been more a part of his life during the time that he knew this person so that I had a better idea what his or her impact had been on him.

Anyway, I did not really feel that I was going to be able to process the feelings that having a piece of Nelson in my hands again was bringing up until after I got home from the event so I placed him in the dresser drawer and went on with the weekend. I may have thought I wasn’t allowing myself to be affected but I definitely was on some level.   I realized how much I missed the level of play and connection that he and I shared and it definitely affected my attitude which led to a fight between me & Brett Friday night and then Sat I got pissy with a DM for stopping a scene I was in for simply leaning against the wall (Note to self: I have to follow the event & hotel rules whether I like them or not not matter how frigging annoying they are! Grr!)

The bottom line is, I was hurting on a core level and not expressing it properly so it was leaking out all over the place and manifesting in really unpleasant ways. Luckily I don’t think I managed to burn any bridges and I came home and gave myself a couple of days to decompress. Today, for the first time, I untied the box and opened it very carefully.  I ran my fingers through his ashes and cried for awhile while sitting in the spot where he last stood in my home and said goodbye to him again. Probably not for the last time.  Some people will never ever leave you completely.  They are too much a part of your life to ever be forgotten. Nelson is one of those people for me and now there is a part of him sitting on my altar.  

I want to express my heartfelt thanks again to Denise, Honey & Stan for that and the other gifts.  To Brett for his love, patience and understanding and to Shibaricon for being a safe space & container to hold everything that came up for me last weekend. I am still  trying to decide if I want to keep those ashes in the box, or release them somewhere or keep some and release the rest or what. Way too much feeling there still … time will tell and in the meantime.. I am going to go work out for a bit.

Shibaricon VI was amazing and as someone who has attended every year since its inception I can honestly say that this event gets better every year!

This was the largest gathering yet with over 600 attendees and 40 instructors teaching more than 90 classes over 4 days. There were all sorts of special events throughout the weekend and of course 3 great nights of dungeon play.

Did we have fun? Hell yeah! I will stop back soon with some more details .. I am still catching up on my sleep and mail and unpacking etc.

Last Thursday was my sweetheart Brett’s 49th birthday and I was feeling even more sadistic and dominant than usual and decided to push both our limits just a bit. 

We have experimented in the past with short term chastity but to be honest, I really LOVE sex with my boyfriend and rarely deny myself for very long ~ so I almost never leave him in chastity longer than a few hours when he is here with me .  Although I have a variety of chastity devices that are not intentionally designed to be painful such as the cb devices, being a sadist at heart I totally love the concept of chastity with teeth as mentioned in a previous blog post. 

However I am also practical enough to realize that if I intended to keep it on all weekend, and I did, I might want to do so with the least amount of damage possible, since I am rather fond of that pretty cock and it’s keeper.

I opted to use the Club Femme MCD - Male Chastity Device .  Although it is a little tricky to weave the zip tie in and out of the device to get a really good tight fit, I can tell you for a fact that once in place it is definitely secure enough to stay there.  Brett quickly discovered that it was not coming off without tearing up some delicate flesh in the process. 

He also discovered very quickly that even though he could still get a rock hard erection (albeit with a bit of encouragement from me and a fair bit of un-comfortability) there was no way he would be able to reach orgasm because the short closely spaced little points were just too damn sharp and discouraging. 

Ohh what a delicious time I had trying though!   I locked him in on Thursday afternoon and proceeded to tease him off and on for over an hour.  God I love the sexy way that man squirms for me!  Friday morning I woke up horny and ordered him to orally service me for awhile.   Although that act is all about my pleasure, is sure works for him on some pretty sexy levels too and next thing I know his poor cock was once again being spiked and poked in all directions at once and he was making those really sexy pretty noises for me again which totally work for me!  :D

He stayed in that sweet little device the rest of the weekend .. including  all through the rope club gathering on Sunday.  By Sunday evening though he was respectfully asking if it would be possible for me to take him back out so he could see what was left of his cock before he goes back to Long Island for the work week.  I thought three nights and four days was a fairly good test run and was fairly curious myself to see how bad that baby had torn him up so we snipped it off.  I was a bit surprised to discover that this device had drawn blood in quite a few places but over all he seemed fine. I am considering locking him in for the week we are away in Chicago but in the meantime I am REALLY looking forward to seeing him tonight!

I had a blast today doing rope with the folks that came to the first rope club gathering!

In total there were 10 of us which I think actually fit well for the living room. (If we get more in the future we may end up breaking into two groups). It was an interesting mix of people, most of whom were still very new to rope bondage. There were some bright young students from classes I have done at Vassar, one person from the local kink community (another couple had to cancel late due to illness) my new Tantra friend from MA (who drove almost 3 hours to get here) and my buddy and fellow rope enthusiast Murphy Blue (who I will see again at Shibaricon in 2 weeks!) Yayy!

We went over the basic single limb cuff (wrap wrap wrap over under tie) and explored a couple of ways to morph that into other bondages. I am really fond of modular ties that can be adapted and transitioned into others with ease. We also worked on a hojo jutsu inspired tie that can be adapted to people of any size, shape, or flexibility yet is easy to learn and quick to implement.

After a short break we started playing with some Japanese style shinjus or chest ties, also known as a box tie, where the wrists are bound behind the back with a band or two over the nipple / breast line and one or two under. We rifted on that a bit adding a pretty twist tie that cinched the chest ropes as well as one on each side that pulled the diagonal bands off the collar bones. Some of us also played with adding diamond “karadas” from the chest tie down the rest of the torso.

There was a lot of great learning go on, some excellent practice time and all in all a great time was had by all. I plan to try to keep this going on a monthly basis and will post in a couple of weeks as to a date for the June gathering and hope that more rope lovin’ folks will join us.

So umm in case I haven’t mentioned it before… I am a huge rope bondage fan and I recently aquired some fabulous new books and DVDs for my collection by reknowned rope Master Arisue Go.  His web store is located at   http://www.jugoya.com/ where I picked up “Arisue’s Kinbaku Theory And Practices” as well as both Part one and two of his “Book of Five Rings for Rope Arts”.   Although they are naturally written in Japanese the photos and diagrams are not only beautiful but also really easy to follow so I would highly reccomend these books to anyone interested in exanding their knowledge and skill in the art of japanese bondage.

I also ordered the Bakushi video and that has proved to be a bit more of a hassle.  It is in Pal format as opposed to the NTSC which makes watching it on a standard US DVD drive a bit of a problem but the wonderful folks on the ARA (Adult Rope Art) Yahoo list came to the rescue with some suggestions so that my wonderful partner could get that squared away for me. Yayy!!  Again .. I so wish I understood japanese but watching the Masters at work is wonderful! Ohh and did I mention that all of them were autographed by the Master himself? :) 

And in case you are hesitant to order over the internet to a company in Japan  I want to tell you with out a doubt that the customer service was amazing!! Less than an hour after I placed the order, I was VERY impressed to get a personal (not computer generated) confirmation email at an ungodly hour (middle of the night for them) on the weekend and my books were in my hands less than a week later! They also sent a wonderful follow up email to make sure that I was pleased and refunded a portion of my shipping since actual shipping was less than expected.  Amazing!

Flower & Snake - While I was at it I ordered a remake of the japanese cult classic “Flower & Snake” in which Master Arisue appears and did all of the rope work. I was delighed that this one was in NTSC format which allowed me to view it with out any problem.  It is a great film with pretty hot fantasy story line about a woman that is basicallty sold into slavery by her husband and then bound, tortured and forced to perform in live sex and bondage shows for rich perverts. 

Update May 11 - I have just heard that they are offering a new book with black and white photos but translated to english! Hooray!  I pre- ordered it immediately and have been told that it will be shipped on or about May 27th! Just in time for me to get home from Shibaricon! Woohooo!  

Rope Club - When I was at Vassar a few weeks ago I asked the students that attended my class if they would be interested in attending an on - going rope club if it was offered and I got a decent amount of interest. I also threw it out as an idea on the local HVDS (Hudson Valley Ds) list to see if I could get a few local bondage enthusiasts to come out and play and got some interest there as well.  So… I am quite pleased to say that the first gathering of this fledgling rope club will be in my home this coming Sunday from 1 - 430 or so and I am very excited!  If you have an interest in improving or sharing your bondage skills and would like to join us .. drop me a note! I’d love to have you join us!

A Special Gift - Ohhh and one more thing … “Quill” one of my readers and someone whom I have have chatted with off and on for ever sent me a little guitar melody the other day that I really enjoyed and I wanted to share it with you with his blessing. It is entitled: “Suze mornings with her sweetie” and he said that “This one is inspired by the special moments with your sweetheart that you’ve mentioned. think of it as a musical portrait of the close connection you share in the afterglow of play.”  Awww, isn’t that sweet?? His thoughtfulness really made my day and I consider this to be a truly special gift.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!