Suzanne SxySadist’s Personal Blog

The life & times, ups & downs and general musings of a professional sexual sadist.

April 2, 2009

Will I live to see 80?

Filed under: Just For Laughs — Suzanne SxySadist @ 10:33 am

Aren't you glad you aren't a mayfly? Here’s something to think about. . . ..

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well’ for my age.  A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
I said, ‘No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No Sir! That stuff is dangerous!,’ I said

He looked at me and said,….. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?

– The moral of this story… Life is way too short to not live it to the fullest so get out there and have some fun!

March 12, 2009

Just HAD to share!

Filed under: Just For Laughs — Suzanne SxySadist @ 8:25 am

This sick, twisted and very perverse little snippet showed up in my email today and I simply had to pass it on. Thanks again for the giggle Thrash…  Me -Owww! :)

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

“How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over… and the masochist says: “Meow.”

June 22, 2008

Curtain Rods

Filed under: Just For Laughs — Suzanne SxySadist @ 9:39 pm

(While I am off at the Power, Surrender & Intimacy workshop this weekend I am offering this “joke”.  Here’s to empowered women everywhere!)   

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.  

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.   

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home………

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!! 

I just LOVE a happy ending, don’t you?

June 5, 2008

Joke of the month…

Filed under: Just For Laughs — Suzanne SxySadist @ 8:25 am

Heard during opening ceremonies at Shibaricon as told by Graydancer (as best as I can recall anyway):

Question: How many riggers does it take to do a rope suspension?

Answer: 100 - one to do the tie  and ninety nine to say, “I can do that, but it isn’t shibari”

(Sadly there is a bit of truth to this joke as my next post shall soon reveal. In the meantime.. have a fabulous weekend all!)

April 13, 2008

You know your kid has picked up your kink when…

Filed under: Just For Laughs — Suzanne SxySadist @ 6:38 am

I picked this up on a list somewhere along the way… some of these really made me smile. Hope you enjoy them as well…

 • The neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches
when playing cops and robbers.

• Your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers

• You go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built
entirely of Legos.

• You come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged baby-
sitter.

• They hand you the body harness and leash that they used as
toddlers when it’s time to go shopping.

• Your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.

• Your son wants to know when he’ll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store.

• You tell them they’re too old to spank and they try to assure that
they aren’t.

• Your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen
while the other children played in the room.

• You yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells
you he’s tied up right now…and you check on him and find that he
really is tied up right now.

• Your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging
off his tongue.

• Their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.

• Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots…twelve times.

• They won’t play Twister because they don’t want to say “red.”

• You notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash.

• The 13 year-old begs for his first bra.

• You had to buy a clothes dryer because every time your kids went
out to play, the clothesline and clothespins would vanish.

• You ask your daughter to walk the dog, only the dog’s still home
and the leash and your son aren’t.

• Your son balks at toilet training…and he’s 14.

• They made a violet wand for the science fair.