In general I could easily go for months at a time with out even turning on the television but recently I have become exquisitely enamoured with a Showtime series about a like-able serial killer named Dexter played by Michael C Hall. For those of you that have never seen the show and are possibly wondering how a guy that cuts people up into little pieces and claims to be devoid of human emotion could possibly be like-able all I can say is .. it’s complicated but you’d probably have to watch the show to understand what makes him so charming besides his quick wit and boyish good looks. 

By the same token, I am also sure that a lot of people would wonder how someone that hurts people for fun and profit and gets off on consensually pushing folks to the edge of their endurance could still be a compassionate, loving and like-able human being but many people feel that I am just that. Like-able and loving that is.  And yet I realize that not everyone is capable of doing what I do.  How many people do you know that could actually look a man in the eye and then slide a thick gauge needle into his testicle while he screams in pain?

Hurting our fellow human being to that degree goes against what we are taught on so many levels about how to treat other people and what is right and what is definitely wrong. It took me quite sometime to actually embrace my inner sadist.  For many years even as a pro domme I tried to convince myself and others that I was only doing what they wanted me to do so that did not make me a bad person and certainly not REALLY a “sadist” since the word seemed so evil and scary to me.  

Of course, the truth is the vast majority of my clients cannot be marked at all or simply want a relatively light spanking or flogging scene, maybe a bit of cross dressing and / or gentle ass play with some tease and denial play.. definitely nothing too intense. 

But over the years I did get a few heavier players and I definitely did discover and finally make peace with the fact that I LIKE to hurt people.  In fact, I LOVE to make grown men cry and beg and sometimes even scream for mercy but generally I only go that far with people I know REALLY well, people that crave that level of intense stimulation, people that I know want me to take them to that extreme edge.  However, I ALWAYS watch the client carefully, monitoring their reactions and responses and checking the body for signs of potential damage and making sure I stop whatever I am doing like a good responsible professional sadist should.

And yet… lately I have been feeling an interesting new craving and wondering … if I didn’t have a conscience or if I wasn’t a good enough business woman to care if my clients came back or not .. how far could I really go?  I am not talking about killing anyone mind you… my cravings are not leaning that far over the edge yet and besides, I have no where to dispose of the bodies.  😉

But I am definitely feeling the desire to push someone further than I ever have before and for the first time in my life I am not entirely sure I need it to be with someone that enjoys it.  After all .. is it really sadism if the person likes what you are doing to them?  I had a dream recently that I was torturing someone who truly deserved it just to inflict as much pain as possible on them and NOT kill them so that they could suffer longer for me and I woke up feeling very startled by the sheer cruelty of it and yet a little turned on.

Now before anyone gets all bent out of shape .. I am in no danger of kidnapping some random stranger and hauling them off to my dungeon to torment and beat against their will but I think my sadism is going through a growth spurt or evolving some how and I am really curious where it is leading me right now.  

Well, just wanted to share that .. I promise to keep you posted and in the meantime .. I am going to curl up with Dexter and his “Dark Passenger” for awhile and watch him work but I REALLY want to do a saran wrap mummification all of a sudden.  <grin>  🙂