I have had a few people inquire about my mention of the work of David Deida, the reason for my interest in it and how it relates to the lifestyle so I thought it might be helpful for me to write a bit about it. First let me say that I do not claim to be an expert of his teachings and I of course (as we all do) have filtered what I have heard from him through my own life experiences and perspectives, so my retelling of what I have gleaned from it is naturally biased that way. I have held onto the bits that speak to me and let go of much of what didn’t. Anyone that is really curious about his work should investigate it themselves by Googling his name.

First, some thoughts on Taoism since I feel he has drawn some of his explanation of sexual polarity from the concepts of yin and yang. (Which I also do not claim to be expert on, by the way.  Have I disclaimered this enough yet?) J Ok Suze, get on with it.

The theory of yin and yang teaches us that the universe and everything in it is made up of opposing but complimentary forces that are often not set in absolute black & white values, but vary by degree based on one another like so many shades of grey.  Let’s take hot and cold for example. A 65 degree temperature may be pretty warm compared to freezing but it is quite cool when compared to boiling. Just as light and dark vary depending on how far up the grey scale your present perspective is coming from.

These forces are also cyclical in nature meaning that one gives rise to the other and so forth. Night and day are ambiguous at best at sunrise or sunset because of the rise and fall or a dance between these forces where one is always giving rise to the other. You cannot have one with out it’s compliment but unlike “good and evil” which imply judgment, these forces generally strive to reach a balance point that allows for harmony. Life and death are perhaps less ambiguous although I have met more than a few people that may as well be dead for the amount of living they are actually doing, but that is inappropriate because it implies judgment on my part. Anyway, you get the idea.

Also, each of these elements has the seed of the other within it just as the yin yang symbol itself illustrates. Nothing is purely one thing or another because the interplay of the elements always allows for a little of it’s reciprocal to dwell within it.

Let’s look at masculine / feminine & dominant / submissive dynamics for a moment. To begin with, Deida has helped me to understand masculine & feminine better in terms of energy rather than gender and that each person on earth contains both of these energies in them to one degree or the other.  Generally, men have a more masculine essence and women have more feminine but not always and I feel that this is especially prevalent in female dominant / male submissive relationships where the woman displays more of the “traditional masculine” qualities of being in control and setting the coarse of things while the male submissive is more passive and defers to her leadership in the relationship.

For the most part and to further illustrate these dynamics, masculine energy tends to be more dominant, purposeful and focused than feminine energy, which tends to be more passive, fluid, and emotional.  There are dozens of adjectives or qualities that are assigned yin or yang distinction and while I know that many people would take objection with the concept of being labeled one or the other the truth is we all have these qualities with in us and can generally draw from our masculine or feminine (aka yin / yang energies) depending on the circumstance.  Even the most sexually submissive person can exhibit very dominant tendencies when the situation calls for it, like in their professional life for example and people who are very dominant in other areas of their life can at times enjoy taking a more passive role in the bedroom as a break from being the one in control all the damn time, sort of like a mini vacation. (I’d say the majority of my clients fall into that category).

However, I believe that at a core sexual level we are generally far more one or the other. Our life experiences, learning and proclivities, of course shape how well we have developed or learned to express these dynamics but sex is very primal in nature and I feel that our core sexual identity rarely changes much over time and usually in our fantasies we either envision ourselves as being the one in control, thereby “leading the dance” or ravishing our partner, or the one being “captured”, ravished or being “done to”.  While some of us may on occasion enjoy entertaining fantasies of being in the other role, I think most of us find we are most sexually turned on by being on our more “natural” side of the fence with the right reciprocal partner.

It is of course possible to have a sexual essence that is not in keeping with the way we conduct much of the rest of our lives because sexuality allows us to express our inner desires and “exercise our demons” in an intimate and (hopefully) safe setting so that for example, someone that may exhibit far more dominant traits out in the world is able to relax into “their feminine” and enjoy the feeling of surrender with a trusted partner and vice verse.

One of the questions that Deida would pose to an individual in helping them to determine whether they are more masculine or feminine in nature (again not male / female gender wise but energetically on a masculine or feminine level and without judgment) is:  If you had to choose between accomplishing what you feel you were put on this earth to do so that you could die complete OR finding the most fulfilling and loving relationship of your life and living happily ever after… which would it be?  For many people this is a very easy choice.  Since the masculine essence is often drawn to a sense of purpose and accomplishment, they would lean towards the first choice whereas the feminine heart seeks and is driven love first and foremost and often on a devotional level leading to self sacrifice to make sure the needs of their partner are met.

In this day and age however where women are being encouraged to seek out careers and find a sense of purpose and men are being called upon to exhibit more traditionally feminine qualities of openness and nurturing in relationships, the choice has become harder for many and it has lead to a great deal of confusion in communication and polarity since it is opposites that generally attract the strongest.

Society and the roles we play as men & women in it are far different than they were in the 50s and prior to it for example in that the wife / woman is no longer the traditional stay-at-home mom while the husband / man goes out into the world to do “battle” and bring home the bacon.  We both have jobs either due to economic reasons, personal preference, a sense or purpose or whatever and the traditional feminine responsibilities of keeping the home and childcare must be shared between the sexes. In some ways this is progress and in others it has lead to a lot of problems with in relationships.  Women have much more say in financial matters, (Hell if I earned it, I better have a say in how it gets spent). They are also more vocal about their sexual needs and desires (It’s not all about you guys, sorry!)  And men that would prefer to have final say and a great deal of areas that were traditionally their realm often find opinionated feminine independence to be a thorn in their side or at least more challenging than they would like.

I personally have found that many very dominant masculine men (especially some of the ones I have met on this site) are not attracted to strong, independent women who clearly have their own sense of purpose in life and are unable or do not want to lay down their own sense of identity, needs and desires to serve the man’s every need on his terms. As they say, it is a brave new world out here and communication, negotiation and being fully self aware and able to express your needs and wants are key I determining compatibility.

Ok .. that’s enough for now .. I may add to or revise bits of this in the next week or so but this was what was on my mid this afternoon.

Namaste’ (in short meaning as I understand it: I recognize and honor the Divine within you)

Suzanne