So there was a last minute monkey wrench thrown into my plans for this weekend but it is actually not necessarily a bad thing.  My new friend David from NH and I had planned to get together Thursday night through Saturday a.m. to reconnect, and have some fun and although I had discussed it with Brett before making any plans and he seemed fine with it in theory, when the moment of truth came he (Brett) admitted to me that he was having a really hard time handling the idea of David coming to spend that much time with me, so I cancelled the visit.  

I was naturally disappointed but I felt that giving Brett some time and space to deal with his feelings was more important than a play weekend with a good friend.  I want him to know that he is absolutely my primary partner and that he is still most important to me and that I honor his feelings.  I also needed to do a little soul searching about this stuff myself.

I am pretty new to the poly lifestyle myself and I am still working out the boundaries and logistics of how that works emotionally, physically, spiritually etc for me.  I am certainly no poster child for polyamory and I am working up some thoughts that I intend to explore in another posting soon.. but what it boils down to for me is this:

I enjoy the freedom of being completely present and capable of remaining open to fully engaging with people I really like.  Sometimes that might just entail a great conversation and a cup of tea, it might include BDSM play of an intensely erotic kind, or simply spooning with a friend while watching TV or it might consist of curling up at the end of a delicious encounter and falling asleep. It does not HAVE to include what most people consider sex (oral, vaginal or anal penetration) but I definitely enjoy engaging in intimate ways with several of the people I really care about in my life. 

I realize that this is far from “normal” by societies standards and that it is a hell of a lot to ask of a partner to accept.  Most people are brought up to believe the possessive love paradigm that pushes monogamy as the only acceptable relationship format and honestly I was there myself for the better part of 3 decades. But life has brought me down some interestingly twisted paths and I do not want to limit myself or the people I am involved with to only being able to learn from, love or engage intimately with one person anymore.  I believe my friend and fellow rope lover said it best (or at least in a way that totally makes sense to me now): “I believe in loving profligately while there is time under heaven in which to do it.”

And yet, I totally understand that Brett is going to need me to be understanding and supportive of him as he tries to figure out if he can handle this kind of a relationship. For the record, I am praying that he can because I absolutely adore this man and it is truly not my intention to torment him emotionally and he seems to think that with time and practice this will become easier for him to bear.  We are continuing to talk and discuss what will work for us both.  He has even journaled in his blog about this and has contacted David to try and build a friendship with him.  David, by the way, was really awesome and didn’t get mad that I bailed on him at the last minute.  He is planning to see us both (Brett and I) next month at one of the NELA classes and again in Chicago for Shibaricon.

The coolest part I think was that Brett and I are able to discuss even some really tough subjects as loving and compassionate adults.  Even when emotions are running high, we have been able to come together from a loving place and worked on finding out what would be best for our relationship and for both of us as individuals as well.   I love that about us and think that we are stronger and better than ever .. and there will be plenty of other play dates in my future with him and with others.